About Our Man Italy (From Artistic Decline)
Post 555:
Artistic Decline: A Novel (Added Content)
Chapter One: The Angel and the Caveman
Ben Billings pulled back the Sunday Dallas Morning News with a snap. He was seated at the breakfast table and had a perfect line of sight to the front door. A quick look at the Rolex adorning his tanned wrist offered added ammunition. Scattering inky pages to the floor, he stood with bluster and leaned forward. “You have some nerve, woman. Maybe just move in with the guy!”
“What time is it?” she asked, sliding down the thick mahogany door as it thumped shut. Her enormous handbag was close enough to enlist into pillow service. She buried her sunglass-covered face in the cavernous opening, dreaming of a way to burrow out a little corner space inside. It’s like a small city in here, she thought.
He was in the foyer now. “That’s all you have to say? It’s as if you don’t even care about my feelings. Don’t do this to me, Tabby.”
“Are you done?” she mumbled, rolling off the purse and onto the carpet, flat, limbs sprawled out.
“Ah,” he crooned. “You’re like a person that makes a snow angel. Wouldn’t that be something—if you were the sort of person with a heart that made snow angels?”
She answered with a middle finger from one of her wings. “Had enough fun, Benji? Am I in a Tennessee Williams play? Are you wearing shorts? Hairy legs. Soo— frigging hairy.”
Ben was looming, arms akimbo. She held out her other wing for him to help her up, but he remained in place. “Take it back.”
“What? The thing about your legs? Can’t. It’s like living with a caveman. The caveman. The super hairy one that scares all the other cavemen away. Because of all the hair.”
Her jabs sent a psychosomatic urge to scratch his itchy shins, but he fought the sensation, finally grabbing her outstretched hand. As he pulled her slender body vertical, her forehead came to rest on his shoulder. “Be gentle, Benji Bear.”
“Benji Bear,” he whispered into her tousled blonde hair. “That’s insulting on several levels. Me and dogs everywhere, shocked and aghast.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, drooling onto his favorite summer brunch shirt.
“Long one, huh?” he asked, thinking about changing shirts. “Did you—”
“It was a job. You don’t get to ask about the nuts and bolts.”
“Nuts and bolts? Seriously, Tabitha. You’re giving Benji Bear an upset stomach with these reckless descriptors. He may have to vomit.”
“Speaking of that,” she said, slinging the capacious handbag over her shoulder, leaving half the contents strewn on the floor. “I’ve got good news.”
He watched her struggle up the stairs in the previous night’s heels with a hand cupped over her mouth. “Vomit is good news?” he asked. “Suppose. Right circumstances...”
She stopped at the landing, gathering enough of herself. “Golf club.”
“I know—we’re going to be late.” He tapped the face of his watch twice for added impact. “Their brunch is good enough to make me say brunch minus my customary ironic contempt.”
Tabitha tried to expand on her statement, but the feeling of impending sickness drove her to the half-bath near the top of the stairs.
Ben looked again at his shirt and hummed a song to drown out the sound of the retching. It sounded violent enough to initiate a bubble of concern in his soul parts. He brushed it aside. “Can’t get too caught up in your role, Tabby,” he whispered, strolling back to kitchen for another cup of coffee. By the sound of things, it was going to be a bit. “Can’t get too caught up,” he repeated, trying to remember who bequeathed to him that particular nugget of wisdom.
Picking up the sports page to read about the latest travails of the Cowboys, he felt vibrating in his shorts from an incoming call. Reading the screen, he let out a tension-filled breath. “Hey, darling,” he whispered, looking up at the ceiling. “One second,” he said, pulling his head away from the phone to listen for Tabby. Awesome. Still puking. “What’s going on, Bryce?” Ben asked, walking hurriedly to the kitchen backdoor.
“Baby. I want you to come over so bad. The thought of you turns me on.”
Stepping out into the cool fall air, Ben went a little weak in his hairy knees. Bryce Creighton was in her mid-twenties and hot as hell. She was from some of the oldest money in Texas, finishing up her law degree at SMU just a few miles down the road. That way she’d have a CV good enough to justify decent placement in her family’s corporation. Serving a year as a corporate functionary would just about do “the trick.” She’d meet a smart man from their business or one of an equal caliber. The smart man would be attractive and dutiful. “One who walks the path.” He’d work out in the mornings and have tepid sex with her once a month after the first year of marriage. She’d of course quit her job as the kids came. Probably a boy and girl, with stupid names like Bristol or Bree or Birch or whatever bullshit was in fashion. This was the story of her life. She recited it almost line for line each time they met to “hang out.” Ben found her soliloquies tedious and self-indulgent, but there was something in the fact that the girl was smart enough to know the life-traps and smart enough to know she was too cowardly to avoid them. Mostly, she was hot. Ben met her at a little concert at some pretentious bar on Greenville—a section of town for rich kids in their twenties and forty-five year old sad sacks with long graying beards.
“Sweetheart, I think I’m going to be a little tied up today. Really close to finishing the modifications to my boat.”
“My big strong adventurer. Does that mean the funding came in?”
“Adventurer,” he answered, applying just enough self-deprecation to sound charming to the landlocked future lawyer. “The funding—still trying to tie that last bit down.”
“You think it’d be easier.”
“Yeah,” he said, plopping down in a squishy deck chair, already tired of the ruse. The night they met he could tell by her jewelry and her clothes that she came from money. This appraisal prompted him into a story about sailing solo around the world to raise cash and awareness for some disease or another. Win her heart. Win some shekels from her trust fund.
Win.
“People just don’t care about Leishmaniasis like they used to.”
“I thought it was Crohn’s,” said young Bryce.
“Of course it’s Crohn’s,” he said, eyes wide and palm tapping his head. “That was a test. You passed. Such a great listener.”
“So are—”
“Hey, they’re telling me I’ve got to go. Something about a gaff or a bilge. Talk later, babe.”
Ben ended the call during her goodbye and deleted it from the phone’s history. No need, really. Just a reflex.
“This damn thing sticks.” Tabby’s voice was muffled as she tried to push the backdoor open.
“Give it a good shoulder!”
She finally plunged out onto the patio of their smallish backyard. “Can’t you fix that?”
He fired off a glare menacing enough not to be taken seriously. “Looking better already,” he said. She really did. Tabitha Johns was nothing if not resilient. Most attractive women her age would’ve given themselves over to two or three marriages or two or three plastic surgeries. Not her. She still had her dreams and wanted to enter into them unshorn. For a few more years, at least.
“Thank you, Ben.”
“Got all the puke out?”
“Yeah. And now I don’t have to purge on purpose.”
“A capital start to the day. Every time I think you’ve finally done yourself in, you shine back up like a new penny.”
“You’re too kind,” she added, throwing out a playful hand his way.
“Really. Like an easy to clean ashtray.”
“That last one I’ll let go because I’m in a good mood.”
“Brunch?” Ben asked.
“No. I mean yes—but no. What I was saying earlier. The good news. I think we found the big one.”
“That guy from last night? You’ve been working on him for weeks. He’s got a few million liquid at best.”
“Not him. Someone he’s working with. Or for. Something like that.”
“You got a name?”
“Dina Santorelli.”
Ben took a sip of coffee, trying not to react. “The Dina Santorelli.”
“Yes, Benji. The one you’re thinking of.”
“She’s like in the top fifty richest people in the world.”
“Number thirty. And getting richer all the time.”
“It’s too dangerous, Johnsy. Even if this mope you’ve been stringing along has the premium information, the profile is huge. We’d be targets the rest of our lives.”
Tabitha looked at Ben as he sank into his lumpy seat. He was tapping the cell phone through the fabric of his shorts. “You talk to the college girl today?”
“No. Maybe.”
“You old sailor you.”
“At least my play is realistic.”
Tabby leaned forward and began speaking with her fists clenched up by her chin. “Yes, it could be dangerous. But our walkaway money isn’t going to come from some Lupus scam.”
“Leishmaniasis. Or Crohn’s. That’s— it doesn’t matter.”
“God. Listening to you right there made me sad. Think about it. You write up the playbook. We put on an epic performance. We’ll be in the Mediterranean in a few months, living the real life.”
She was putting on a good show, and her nothing ventured nothing gained point had merit. Still. “Pulling a job on someone like this—we could die.”
“What are we doing here?” she said, looking around at the dormant grass and the untended bushes.
“Dying slowly.”
“See? Your wit is coming back already.”
Ben Billings was no stranger to moments like this. Someone coming at him with the full court press, explaining how things were going to be better from now on. Dreams. Glory.
“What are you thinking?” she asked, watching him puzzle through.
“I’m thinking about step one. What is it?”
“The golf club.”
“Brunch?” he asked.
“No. The golf—just put on some pants. We’ll talk in the car.”
“Did you use Listerine? Because that was some serious yacking.”
“Get those legs moving, simian.”
Chapter Two: Make Like Kang
The ride to Evan Henk’s house was brief. Tabby Johns had a heavy foot, and they basically lived in the same neighborhood. Highland Park. One of richest zip codes in the country. Spreading out in affluent natural habitats was usually a sound methodology for making inroads to money; Ben had found an older woman who spent most of her time living overseas, offering to take care of the house they were currently living in. It needed a lot of work and it wasn’t that spacious, but the location alone the property worth four million. And they lived on the outskirts.
Evan Henk’s place was palatial and smack in the middle of the community, next door to asshole investment bankers and dodgy lawyers at the top of their dirty games. “I don’t like this street,” Ben said, buttoning his sport coat as he stepped out of the car. “If Hitler wanted to live somewhere near downtown Dallas, he’d pick this exact spot.”
“Just Hitler? You don’t think Stalin and Mao would dig the locale? Seems dictatorial and inclusive at the same time. I just love it.”
“Mock away.”
“You’re either jealous or just an ass,” Tabitha said, checking her makeup before opening the door. “Oh yeah. Both. Sorry. Slipped my mind.”
As they walked up the snakelike redbrick path, Ben shrugged in a particularly pouty way.
“Don’t do the hurt child bit.”
“What? Some of the stuff you say—it can get pretty nasty. Times I even think you mean it.”
“I do mean it. You’re a criminal and extremely judgmental. How does that even work?”
“You’ve lost me.”
“That’s for damn sure,” Tabitha said, ringing the doorbell while waving at the camera angled down at them with an overactive smile.
A buzzing sound went off and the heavy door opened slow and steady. No greeter to be seen. “Yeah,” Ben said, “that’s not creepy at all.”
“Come on in,” said a squelched voice from an intercom underneath the camera. “I’m toward the back of the house. Just go by the den and the library and make a right at the sitting room. Oh, and a left at the parlor.”
Tabby slipped her arm through Ben’s as they stepped inside. Everything was polished and shiny, from the ceramic floors to the chandeliers. The taste was eclectic. It was the house of a man who’d taken decorating advice from at least four girlfriends from different countries. The entrance had a bright flair. The remnants of hooking up with a Latina. The dining room was functional and minimalistic. Probably dated an Ingrid. The artwork was impressionistic. Either a French chick or a chick that wished she was. There was strange, plucky music coming from somewhere. It sounded Chinese to Ben.
These were the things he pondered as they made their way through Evan Henk’s mansion. “A parlor, a library and a sitting room,” Ben whispered, still scanning every inch of the place. “This guy thinks he’s in BBC series, but lacks the class to pull it off.”
The music got louder as they neared the back. Tabby raised her perfect eyebrows at the massive heated pool in the backyard before coming to a fretful stop. “Wait a second. Is that the score?”
“What score?”
Before the words could dissolve, he knew what she was talking about. His carefully-tanned face went white as a sheet. “Oh my God. Let’s get the hell out of here.”
“We can’t just go.”
“He’s watching it. And the sound is like—on!”
“Hey you two!” said Evan Henk, bursting through a set of double doors in a brilliantly white karate gi. He bowed to Ben and gave a Tabitha a quick kiss on the cheek. His smile was full of commitment and as bright as the stupid outfit adorning his short, stocky body.
“Are you watching Dynasty of Danger in there?” Ben asked hesitantly, looking over Evan Henry’s brown bald head toward the source of the sound. “In a karate outfit? That’s—”
“I’m not watching it,” Henk said, playfully stopping a punch short of Billings’ midsection. “I mean I’ve seen it. Way in the way back of the day. Hahahmm.” His laugh was singularly strange. The first part was fake. The second part sounded like he was moaning from some secret satisfaction. “The Kang and I were training in the media room and had it going in the background. Wow. What an astonishing piece of crap. Hahahmm.”
Evan Henk was referring to the film that had served to sink the once burgeoning careers of Benjamin Billings and Tabitha Shaw. With the hottest writer and director in Hollywood, a massive budget, and two quickly beautiful and talented leads on their way to the top, what could possibly go wrong?
Turns out, quite a bit.
Riding the success of their previous projects, the vaunted writer/director duo spent most of preproduction, production, and postproduction drunk and high. The script included a treasure hunt in Manchuria, an incessantly helpful monkey, and a blind Buddhist guide. The studio’s blank check only worsened the stacking problems, adding fuel to a conflagration of epic proportions. The rough cut was racially and artistically offensive in every way possible. The final edits made it even worse. The distributor sent it straight to video and wrote off the loss, only releasing it in Canada. The few copies that got out mostly ended up in Alberta truck stop bins, purchased by the occasional drunk mistaking it for an adult film of one sort or another.
After Dynasty, Ben and Tabby’s careers in showbiz well and truly dried up. Her agent ran for the hills. She lost her record deal within a year. Ben’s father, who was also his agent, died six months after the movie flopped, mostly from guilt over his son’s botched prospects. The song publishing deal he was signed to got bought out and three other scripts that were in development got shown the scrap heap.
And so they stuck together, two dejected casualties of the Hollywood thresher. They found some solace on the stage. Off Broadway, in the way that Neptune is Off Earth. After a few years and a few more crushed hopes, they chucked it when a new character entered their lives. Someone who taught them other ways of converting talent to money.
“So, for inspiration or something?” Tabby asked, pointing at the screen.
Dynasty did have some fight scenes.
“Inspiration, hahahmm?”
“Oh,” she said, put off by the way Evan Henk could ask a question and do his stunted laugh thing at the same time. “I was wondering why you had the film playing.”
“Not for inspiration, my dear. I only wanted to study up on my new partners during my workout. Two birds. Hahahmm. Two birds. That’s funny.”
“New partners?” Ben asked, looking sternly at Tabitha.
“She didn’t tell you much, did she?” asked Evan Henk, dabbing his right eye with the lapel of his gi while daintily poking Ben in the chest.
“We really didn’t have much time, Evan. Mostly, Benjamin has been complaining about brunch.”
“I’m starving,” Ben said, trying to forget about the poking.
“We’ll be off to the club in a few shakes. First, let’s go back. I don’t want to sweat on this rug. It’s precious to me.”
As they followed their squatty host into his media room, they saw their own youthful faces on the backside screen, bigger than life.
Ben put on his sunglasses and closed his eyes.
Tabby looked down at the floor.
In the middle of the room stood a stiff-faced Japanese man standing on a large training mat. “This is Kang,” said Evan Henk.
“Hello,” Kang grunted, bowing in an inhumanly fast manner. “You two. Movie. Interesting.” Ben almost opened his eyes out of sheer wonderment. Kang spoke perfect English. Breaking his thoughts into little staccato bursts was a bit. A transparent, strangely self-degrading bit.
“That’s enough, Kang. Training session’s over today. Pack it up.”
Another bow and the sensei was moving like divine wind. His shit was packed and he was out the back door with the quietude of an expert in B&E.
“He’s quick,” Tabby said, truly impressed, tamping down the urge to use the word ninja.
“Oh yeah, hahahmm. Quigley is a force of nature. He also has other skills.” Henk was standing in the spot just occupied by Kang, holding the remote up to his deeply dimpled chin.
“Wait a minute,” Ben interjected, squinting as he pulled down his aviators. His posture was indicative of a man longing for death. “Kang’s first name is Quigley? And can you turn off the damn movie?”
“Boy, Tabitha. He’s more surly than you let on. Handsome enough. But just a real firebrand.”
“I think we’re done here.” Billings tapped Tabby on the arm and did a motion to make like Kang.
“You’ve been done a long time, cowboy,” said Henk, hitting the pause button. The image of a monkey sitting on Billings’ shoulders as Ben rode an elephant was frozen in the background behind their host. “A long time.”
“All right, Evan. Is this you trying to get me riled up? Not going to work, pal. I’m a professional.”
Tabby put a hand over her eyes. It was hard to hear a grown man talk about professionalism with a scene like that paused on the screen.
“Tell me, Benjamin. Did you do many of the stunts for this film? Any stunts at all?”
“What’s the difference?”
“Just looked liked you might have some training. Think you can take me?”
“I don’t know much, Henk, but I know I don’t want to take you anywhere.”
“Afraid there’s no choice, my boy. I want to fight the hero of Dynasty of Danger. It’s been a burning desire of mine since I saw it for thirty cents on hotel pay-per-view in the late 90s. Hahahmm.”
“We’re gone. Have fun playing with yourself, Cobra Kai.”
“Shame. The payment will have to come from our lovely Tabby. Maybe a toe. What do you think, hun?”
Billings sank into himself, fully apprehending the quick to turn into seriousness. Tabitha must’ve tried some sort of short con on Henk and gotten caught. They were there to do penance. The compulsory kind. That said, he couldn’t appear to acquiesce. He needed more information. A look at Tabby’s frightened face told him just about what he needed to know, but the boundaries needed another shove. This wasn’t their first tight spot. There was a process.
“Sorry, Benji.” Tabitha was clutching her purse like it was a stuffed animal that could protect her from life’s evils. If he hadn’t been furious, Ben might’ve found it endearing.
“You’re not talking to me. The time to talk would’ve been an hour ago.”
“Enough,” said Evan Henk, snapping his fingers above his head. Two large men in suits and half-turtlenecks filled up the doorway to the media room. They looked exactly like men a guy like Henk would hire. Desperate and on enough steroids to pretty much roll with anything. Ben had seen them on shitty security details during his career; the types that always asked if there was any “stunt work” available.
Eh.
Ben stepped inches away from Henk’s bare feet and pointed at his eye, trying to explain without words that their host’s condition was rearing its head. “You want to fight, that’s fine. But afterward, we’re gone. Whatever Tabitha took—”
The next thing to come out of Billings’ mouth was a hideous moan. Evan Henk delivered a straight, stiff punch to his gut, causing him to double over. Ben found himself with an arm wrapped around his pitched-over neck. The pressure was unbearable.
As he flailed his arms in a pathetic attempt to wrest himself free, the world began to fog over. He could hear Tabby faintly in the background, apologizing for getting him into this.
“I—hate—you—Tabitha,” he managed, now on the precipice of Charon and the River Styx. He’d played Charon in a tonally schizophrenic musical comedy about the underworld of Greek mythology. His last two acts in life: expressing exasperated contempt for Tabby and thinking about another project that he never should’ve been involved in—seemed just about right.
“He’ll do it, Evan,” Tabby cried, beating on the two bodyguards with balled fists. “If you kill him, I won’t give it back. You hear me! If Benji dies, you can go ahead and kill me!”
Henk kept Ben’s neck cinched in the crook of his arm and looked over at Tabby. He wore the face of a man making a decision of ultimate unimportance—the kind of mug a person pulls while looking at a drive-thru menu…
“Good good,” he chirped, releasing Ben and allowing him to collapse to the floor. The short man grabbed the remote and turned off the television before helping Billings to his feet. “You’ll get your breath. It may hurt to talk for a few days, but you’ll be fine.”
“Thanks for the concern,” Ben whispered in the grating tones of a throat cancer patient.
“I wanted you both to understand that I’m not to be trifled with. And that you are now firmly in my debt.”
“Here,” Tabby said, pulling a simple gold necklace with a single small diamond from her purse. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It’s probably not even worth that much.”
Evan put an arm on Ben’s shoulder and gave it a few pats, as if that would help restore his breathing to normal. “She’s quite something, your Tabitha.”
“She’s not mine.”
“She says the same about you. Funny arrangement you two have.”
“Yeah. Frigging hilarious,” Ben offered, rubbing his neck while walking over to his partner. He didn’t like how close the two bodyguards were hovering over her. Billings took the necklace and tossed it at Henk. “There you go. Something sentimental?” Ben asked, nodding at the jewelry now dangling in its owners hand.
“I told her this belonged to my departed mother,” Henk said, letting the piece swing in the fashion of a hypnotist. “And with no compunction, she took it. The fake she made wasn’t the caliber that could fool.”
“He showed it to me at a party last week. He leaves it out. I made the copy and swapped them out yesterday. He—apparently noticed.”
Ben spent a moment giving her a caustic look, but no more. “Tell us what we’re really doing here.”
“It’s not enough to want recompense for my lost possessions?”
“That necklace wasn’t your mother’s,” Tabby said. “The second you showed it to me, I knew that story was a lie.”
“Is that so?”
“It’s so. And I figured if you were a liar, I might as well take the stupid little thing.”
“Wow. Hahahmm—amazing the way your mind works. Is there a hint a logic in your line, my dear?”
“She thought you were a joke,” Ben brayed, wanting more than anything to scrape their way to the bottom of whatever this was. “And I don’t blame her.”
“I need smart people. That’s what I told Tabitha. Smart people don’t steal from each other on the verge of a job.”
“Honor,” Ben whispered. “Thieves…”
“Hahahmm. Let’s be off to the club. Once you two get it for me, they’ll be no hard feelings. We can go forward as partners.”
The giant bodyguards made a little space for them to squeeze through as Ben asked, “Get what for him?”
“The club.”
“I don’t know what that means. That’s where we’re going.”
“No, Benji. That silly old pitching wedge that sits in the middle of the trophy case in the main hall. He wants us to steal it.”
“It’s the middle of the frigging day. That thing is surrounded by rich bastards. It’s like Excalibur for the unimaginative.”
Henk was following close behind as they weaved their way back to the foyer through the cultural dissonance. “That’s not my problem. You’ve got two hours to get me that wedge—if not, Karl and Ken will find a nice housing development to bury you under. They’re experts with a backhoe.”
Tabitha came close to slipping as her heel caught in the grout between two Spanish tiles. Ben hooked her arm and the pair walked carefully to the car. “We’ll meet you there,” Billings said, stretching his throbbing neck and opening the door for Tabitha.
“Tell them to seat you at my regular table. I just need to change.”
“Really?” Ben croaked, waving with all the ostentation he could summon. “Not gonna roll up like Karate Kid?”
Chapter Three: Club
“I hate hanging around these people,” Billings said. They were seated at a corner table. An overproduction of flowers was impinging on their place settings. The room was large and had a white ornamental ceiling that was impractically and imposingly high. It did something to the acoustics; seemed as though Ben and Tabitha were privy to pieces of every conversation in the room.
“You hang around these people for a living,” Tabby said, taking in the menu.
“Thus the hatred. Joint smells like inbreeding and over-perfumed matriarchs.”
“But you love the brunch.”
“And now that’s even ruined,” he said, angrier than he intended. Tabby shutting down was the signal of his transgression. “I’m sorry, Tabs.”
“Then just accept that I was baiting him. And it worked.”
Billings turned from the pictures he was examining on his cell phone, snapped surreptitiously while taking a few lazy laps in the trophy room. “This thing looks old as shit. I don’t know how you’re gonna find a copy. Should’ve stopped at an antique store or something.”
“I’ve got my tools. And I’m sure we’ll make do. There’s bound to be a million wedges laying around this place. Just make sure you’ve got your end.”
“Yeah,” Ben said, returning to the images. “And he was baiting you.”
Tabby smacked the end of the linen covered table with the end of her fingers. It was the strongest form of protest she could apply in the stuffy environment without drawing onlookers. The argument had gone back and forth and no progress had been made. The theft of the necklace was simply a test, according to Tabitha. A way to discern the skill level and criminal aptitude of Evan Henk, once she’d sniffed him out as a thief. According to Ben, she had sniffed nothing and had simply got caught stealing by someone she never suspected of being anything other than a rich douche with criminal aspirations. Billings based this on Henk’s ability to spot Tabby’s fake necklace. She was no slouch at copies and forgeries of every kind—the little maniac was talented or had someone in his employ with a top-notch eye.
“I don’t think I want you to join me in the Mediterranean,” she said. “I can’t be made to countenance your attitude any longer.”
“Fine with me. While you’re living the good life, I’ll be happy to spend my time not getting choked out by hairy-armed bowling balls.”
“Serves you right for not taking care of yourself.”
“Says the aristocrat who spent half the morning yacking out her guts and the other half not giving me all the facts.”
The truth was somewhere between them, but Tabby knew they weren’t about to get their arms around it. She had been making a play with Evan Henk, but perhaps proper research hadn’t been done. She had moved too quickly to the mark. Amateurish work at best—at worst, something to earn a quick death. Tabby and Ben didn’t have many rules, but running games on each other was verboten. If they had a prime directive, she had skirted the edge. Perhaps stepped over. Tabitha blamed her lack of caution on a lack of practice more than anything else, but that wouldn’t sound any better to her partner. Better to move on. Get done what needed doing. “Here he comes,” she said, peering over her menu at the figure of Evan Henk. He was taller now but not enough to matter, wearing shiny shoes with huge heels. Tabby had a fleeting memory of the time she hung out with Tom Cruise. “Text me those pictures. Ten minutes.” She held out two fingers for Ben to see. He nodded and stood up from the table in unison with her.
“Am I that revolting?” Henk asked, holding out his hands for a hug that wasn’t coming. Tabitha walked around him and out of the dining area, graceful but loaded with purpose.
“Probably better she didn’t answer you,” Billings said, hand covering his mouth as he retook his chair. Henk followed, sitting directly across. “And she’s working.”
“This is exciting, hahahmm.”
Ben smacked his lips like he’d swallowed something unsavory. “A few quick things. Then I’m off.”
“Go ahead.”
“Who’s your inside guy here, and why do you want this thing so bad?”
“To answer your question—”
“You got thirty seconds to answer both questions,” Ben said, checking his watch. “No speeches.”
“I play a lot,” Henk said, leaving the playfulness out of his voice and demeanor. “Being a fan of the game, I asked two of the trustees if I could have a look at the club. They wouldn’t let me.”
“Doesn’t seem like a big deal.”
“Later that day I heard them laughing about the presumptuous little blackie as they chomped on their cigars. Seems they didn’t know I was in the next row of lockers.”
“Okay,” Billings nodded, looking again at his watch and then up at Henk’s leaky eye. “Sorry that kind of shit still goes on.”
“Well, redress should help balm my heart.”
“You talk weird. Text me the number of your man. It’s going to get busy around here. He needs to be at the ready.”
_____________________________
Tabitha made the handoff to Ben five minutes later near the stairs leading to the trophy room. He watched as she made the long walk across the ornate carpet, swaying her hips just in case anybody’s attention hadn’t been captured. He leaned against the wall and smiled. She ordered a mimosa and sat down with the piano player on his bench. A whisper in his ear and he changed the tune a mid-tempo version of “Blue Skies,” Ella Fitzgerald style. Heads turned when she hit the first note. The three or four conversations taking in the trophy room came to a halt as everyone not near the bar area migrated. Billings rolled his eyes and smiled a wry smile—Tabby was damn good, but she could be a little showy. He made a note to criticize her for scatting too much during the first instrumental break while he glided to the metal door next to the trophy case. With the swipe of a keycard he was inside a long hallway as fluorescently white as a psychiatric ward. Access panels to the display went down the length of the corridor, but he’d counted the amount of panels from out front in order to know where to get the wedge. With his little lock-picking kit it was only a matter of seconds before the backside was open. He took a quick look at Tabitha’s fake and said a silent prayer, exchanging it by setting it gently in the little felt holsters where the original had been.
“Ben!”
Billings almost had a heart attack as he turned toward the door. The blood rushed from his face and he almost dropped the antique.
“How’s it going back here?”
Closing the case, he walked toward the questioner. Bryce Creighton was standing by the door with a mischievous little look on her unspeakably gorgeous face.
“Bryce!” Ben whisper-screamed. “What’s up with the cameras?! And why are you standing there?!”
“Mr. Billings,” she said, strutting forward as he put an oversized putter cover on the wedge, “you are way too tense. I thought this was your deal.” The young law student took the clip from her dirty blonde hair and let it fan out and dance over her shoulders. “Shouldn’t there be a coolness going on here? Sort of a James Bond thing?”
Ben checked his watch and held up his keycard. “Thanks for this. Now, one more time. The cameras?”
“They’ve been off for twenty minutes. Paul—the head of security—he faked some sort of computer thing that started to really get boring—I thought he was going to get fresh there for a second.”
“Didn’t you promise him sex?” Ben asked, finishing up with the club by sticking it down the side of his pants. Bryce got closer and put both her hands on his chest. She smelled good enough to make him a little dizzy. Between her beauty and an oscillating blood sugar level brought on by the delayed brunch, his calm had all but left.
“Have you seen that guy? He’s sweet and all, but it’s not like I’m going to do it. You on the other hand—”
“I need you out of here. Henk could be watching. You can’t be seen. This is dangerous stuff.”
“I know.”
“You don’t know shit. This is a job. You talked your way into it. See it through.”
“Don’t have to get nasty.”
“I’m not mommy or daddy. People get killed in this line. Now go quiet and keep your head down. We’ll meet up later.”
She pushed him where her hands had been resting. “Your girlfriend’s putting on quite a show out here. She’s pretty I guess—if you like old.”
“Yeah,” Ben said, pushing the club’s grip down into the outside of his shoe. His walk to the parking lot would be awkward and robotic. That’s what the cane was for. Tabitha had brought it along with the fake wedge. No one would question a guy walking funny with a cane, no matter how strange the gait.
He put his ear up to the door. Tabitha was doing an Alicia Keys tune now. He imagined her out there, leaning on the piano man’s shoulder, enrapturing all the blue bloods with her warm voice and relaxed posture. She could make it look easy. A trait of all really good performers. Song or stage, just another kind of con—the lie was in hiding all the work.
He sent a text to the number Henk had sent him: It’s time. Go ahead.
Nothing to do but wait. He listened to little hints of the song as the seconds rolled by like hours, making sure the club was secure against his leg and in his shoe.
Finally, the little lights near the corridor’s ceiling starting flashing. A voice came over the intercom instructing everyone that there was a fire in the kitchen and to exit the building as soon as possible.
A text from Tabby: Outside.
She was holding the sides of her jacket out as he slipped out the door. The people walking by didn’t notice a thing. He took her left hand with his right so she would be near his “bad leg” and started forward, using the cane on his unencumbered side. They were slower than most people, but the crowd being mostly older and mostly liquored, the pace of the group wasn’t exactly breakneck. “Everything okay?” he asked, leaning close as he adjusted to the metal trying to punch a hole through his pant leg.
“So far so good,” she said, helping him down the stairs and through the foyer, out past the covered valet area. Turning back toward the building she asked, “Is that real smoke?”
Tabby would receive an answer. Evan Henk’s two thugs were blocking their way, as they did when she tried leaving Henk’s media room. “We’ll take the item,” said the one named Karl. Of the pair, he had less gray hair and a slightly thicker neck. He held out his fat hand and made a motion with his sausage fingers to give the wedge over.
“We were just on the way to meet him,” Tabby said, trying to inch away from the burning building. “And you guys didn’t have to actually burn the place down. We really liked to brunch there.”
“The club.”
“Fine,” Ben said, reaching into his pants. Karl and Ken got red-faced and jumpy, reaching down by their waists. “Easy. You want the damn thing, here you go.” Ben handed the wedge to Ken. He took off the putter cover and examined it. “Hey, chief. How about you hold up our stolen merchandise to the sun. Just in case the exterior cameras don’t get a clear shot of your stupid square head.”
“It really is quite square,” Tabby added.
Karl gave his partner an elbow and the two were off into the crowd, no doubt pleased with their contribution.
“I’m going to get the car.”
“Thanks, Johnsy. I’d come along but—”
“Don’t utter another word,” she said, moving toward the parking lot. I’m willing to wait a few ticks for a cripple.”
“Your goodness knows no bounds,” he said, fairly unsure it went unheard. Old rich people were bustling and distraught, now that it was clear that their precious meeting place was turning to ash. Billings put his head down, limping after his partner.
A beep came from the car. He saw Tabitha’s hand shoot out from the window, waving him on. He got in with the slow deliberation of a man in pain. “Where’d you get this?” he asked.
“I think his name was Ted. He left the keys next to his bag on the driving range.”
“Poor Ted.”
“I complimented his swing.”
“My apologies. Ted the Lucky.”
She fired up the sporty Mercedes coupe and checked the rearview camera. The lot was clearing out, minus a few men in sweaters and women with runny makeup. “Come here,” she said, pulling Ben by the back of the head. The kiss was hard and wet, including a lot of unnecessary head movement. The timing caught Ben off. It had a hint of that awkward demonstrability they mastered in the days of black and white. Tabby always got excited after a score. “I hope that wasn’t premature,” she said, releasing him with a sultry breath. “You got it?” Her eyes moved down as the question escaped her messy lips.
Billings patted the cane. None of the trust-funders had noticed its unusual shape and size. Who looks at a cane? About as many people who want to deal with a guy who limps. That’s why it was the perfect hiding place for the real wedge. During the handoff, Tabitha had given him two fakes. One for the display case, and one for Henk and his henchmen.
“Much fun as this is—”
“I know,” she said, dropping the transmission into reverse. “We celebrate when living’s a sure bet.”
“I don’t always say the same thing,” Billings mumbled, once more patting the cane.
“Simmer. But seriously. You do need to write some new lines.”
Chapter Four: Talents and Problems
Only ten minutes later, the hype of the score had flaked off. Their fifteen minute ride to an eastside body shop had Ben feeling less than ecstatic. He leaned against the leathery passenger door, talking furtively into the phone wedged between his face and right shoulder. “Davy, he’s not backing out. Don’t tell me the guy’s backing out.”
Tabitha checked her rearview and switched lanes like she was on the circuit. “Are you hoping I can’t hear you?” she asked, purposely too loud for the little cabin of the luxury coupe. “Because I can hear you. Really well. Hello, Davy,” she announced, tilting her head toward Ben. “What’s the problem? You two morons figuring out another way to screw things up?”
Ben put a hand over the phone and whispered, “Don’t be a jerk.”
“Because I didn’t think that was possible,” she continued, louder now. “After all these years, it didn’t seem like a feasible scenario—supposed professionals finding new creative methods to sabotage a deal. Uncanny. I completely take back that kiss, by the way.”
“She kissed you?” Davy asked Ben, confirming that the old hand over the phone thing lacked its intended efficacy.
“Don’t worry about it,” Ben mumbled, going full fetal in the bucket seat.
After a strange period of quiet from Davy: “Anyway, yeah. The guy’s totally backing out. I put in calls to my competition—none of them want anything to do with it. I’m saying no commission and these guys still won’t play. I don’t know what the hell’s going on.”
“Okay. I’ll call you back after we hunker down a bit. We’re on the way to Lars. There in—” Billings cut himself off, looking over at Tabitha. She held out three fingers from the hand-stitched steering wheel cover. “Three minutes, Davy. Call you after.”
Tabitha made another lane adjustment and kept silent. A time-tested way of soliciting information from Ben during a bout of emasculation and failure. “There goes our market,” he muttered.
“We needed that,” she said, calmly exiting I-30 to turn south.
“Yeah, but a preset buyer’s a luxury.”
“A luxury that we needed. So not really a luxury. Definitions, Benji.”
“There’s got to be someone we can unload the thing to. Davy must be off his meds.”
“I’m going to talk,” Tabby said, adopting an ironically lighthearted tone. “We just stole a three million dollar golf club, contested over by Ben Hogan and Byron Nelson, known to reside in the same exact place for over half a century.”
“Look—”
“And the only way the club is worth three million dollars is if there’s an asshole out there willing to pay for it and keep it to himself, just so he can.” Tabby was almost laughing now. “So after a month of setting up this score, we have a club that neither of us give a shit about, worth nothing—excuse me—worth however many years we get if we’re caught.” Her grip was tight on the wheel. As she slowed and willfully shifted into a lower gear, Ben thought of ways to avoid her mounting ire…
Tabitha glided off the road into what looked like an abandoned car repair shop.
Ben gathered himself what little he could and said, “We’ll figure something out.”
“I’ve heard that before,” she said, slowly pulling into one of the carports as a tall corrugated metal door rolled up. A short man with olive skin and a slight build dressed in greasy gray overalls waved them on, smiling warmly underneath a thick mustache.
Ben rolled down his window and waved back. “Hey there, Lars.”
“Hello my friends,” he answered, almost bouncing as he spoke. “This car. It’s very nice. The Germans make beautiful things. Almost as good as Italians.”
As they exited the vehicle, the door came back down. The garage was as spacious as it was grimy. There were no other cars inside. Wooden tables were everywhere, cluttered with little pieces of metal and wiring. “Lars,” Tabby said, making a face one makes when looking at a new puppy. “My beautiful man. How are things here?” They embraced with a kiss on each cheek and a delicate embrace to avoid getting grease on Tabitha’s finery.
“You look lovely in silk. And I—I am good. Many projects. Every single table in here is another project. Exciting things.”
Ben watched the exchange of pleasantries from the hood of the car, arms crossed. He didn’t mind the familiarity his partner displayed with their old friend, but he wasn’t in a good mood. “Are you trying to imitate a Mario Brother?” he asked, loud enough to be unmistakably rude. “The mustache?”
“Why with the tone and the attitude and the comments and the face?” Lars asked, managing to maintain a lighthearted look.
Ben caught a chiding expression from Tabby and hung his head. “I’m sorry, my friend. That wasn’t cool.” He walked toward Lars, arms opened. “The tone and attitude and the whatever else I was doing—nothing but apologies.” Tabitha backed away and allowed the men to shake hands. “Not good enough,” he said, pulling the smaller man in for a hearty embrace. “Never mind the grease,” he said, rubbing his cheek on Lars’ oily hair while throwing a sarcastic gaze at Tabitha. He was showing off for her, ostentatious about his affection for their friend. All bullshit aside, though, he loved the guy. It was hard not to.
Lars Ramona had been an unwavering companion over the years. Born poor as dirt in a corner of Italy they don’t put in postcards, he somehow managed to find his way to Hollywood around the time Ben and Tabitha were making their initial foray into the fetid fold. Before he could speak a word of English, he was working for major studios, designing props for movies and any sort of gadget a stunt might require. If a snot-nosed director needed an effect or some other brand of “movie magic,” he’d explain it to someone who knew Italian and that guy would explain it to Lars. After all that song and dance, Lars would design something better than the snot-nose could’ve ever conceived. After all that song and dance, the director would be hailed as a visionary by some snot-nosed critic or snot-nose geriatric with a trophy. Ramona didn’t care about trophies, except maybe for the World Cup. He was getting paid well enough to live in Hollywood; the place that churned out everything he’d ever seen with subtitles back in Italy. He found his love for films after resurrecting a decaying and discarded TV using only a few rusty tools. When it first came back to life, a dubbed version of Die Hard was playing. The young man’s life was decided right there, using his skills to call down a magical signal into an abandoned box, watching men shooting at each other while finding the time to remain pithy and charismatic. His calling had been forged with no less drama than anything his town of destiny could produce.
Things were good for a long time. A few years after Tabby and Ben had been cast away, he was still at the top of his game. He had a pool and a place in the Hills. Two girlfriends and an actress on the side that did everything she could to make his life miserable.
Living the dream.
That all came to a close rather suddenly. If Billings and Johns went out with a metaphorical whimper, Lars Ramona went out with a literal bang. A visionary snot-nosed director (who will remain nameless) demanded the biggest explosion in film history for his final action sequence, set in downtown Cleveland. Lars refused to do it, sighting engineering, physics, safety, and the fact that Cleveland already looked something akin to a war zone.
He was fired immediately, Dalton Trumbo without the politics. No matter how good Lars was, the snot-nose was a partner in one of the biggest production companies in the business. For anyone else in showbiz, dealing with Ramona would mean guilt by association.
For a time Lars was sad. The girlfriends left. Took his cars, which were both Italian. Months went by, and he found himself surrounded by stacks of bills and the Hollywood actress who, sadly, he actually wanted around now.
Ben Billings was the only one to visit the bereft little immigrant. The discarded actor walked around Ramona’s house, shaking his head slowly at the dust and the piled up takeout and generally pathetic state of things. Eventually he stood over Lars. The little genius was in a stained silk robe and some sort of underwear too small for any American to consider wearing.
“Mr. Ben?” he asked, trying to see through weeks of drinking and drugs.
For a minute or two Billings didn’t say anything. He took a few slow steps back from the couch, trying to act unaffected by Lars’ body odor. A minute or two was all that could be afforded. The smell was too offensive and Ben wasn’t that great of an actor.
“Yeah, buddy. Ben Billings.”
“It was said you died.”
“Not quite. Well. Manner of speaking.”
“Non capicsco. Cosa vuoi dire con questo?”
“That’s beautiful,” Billings said, walking over to a sliding glass door to let some air in. “Anyway, I’ve been through this stage. It doesn’t get any better. You’re either going to kill yourself, or you’re going to find another way to make it down the line.”
“It’s not right. What they’ve done to me. I come from nothing. Now back to nothing.”
“That’s a proverb, my friend.”
