About Mr. Speech (Added Content)

Post 735:

Mr. Speech: A Novel (Added Content)

Entry One: Mr. Speech—Beliefs—Buses

            It was never the plan. I was reading my old fingerprint-stained copy of Samuel Thatcher’s Orders from the Mountain, doing my utmost to shut out the muted but unflagging din of the crowd outside. He came charging in the tent, cumbersome, hands full with Nelson Andrews’ rumpled suit. Nelson was an okay sort. Sort of. I probably wouldn’t say that if he hadn’t gotten me the job and been a member of the moderately tolerant set in grad school. I thought to engage the unfolding situation on some level, the bustle occurring just feet away, but it was complicated. The Secret Service was on the other side of the flap, poking their heads in every second or two, ever watchful of their charge, ever aware that he was far from typical. Dumb thought. Nobody protects the typical. Why go to the trouble?

            I was on my back, feet up on an old couch. The air smelled like failing deodorant. The couch smelled like my Mimi’s ancient house. Probably a donation to the campaign. Matriarchs Against This. Grandma’s for That. He tested well with old ladies for reasons I imagined but didn’t fully understand. Thinking about old ladies made me sad. Thinking about being old and confused. Sadder still, I’d probably think it again before it was all over.  

            Stay out it. My lips tightened to prevent any fugitive comments, and it seemed an unreasonable time to abandon a lifelong philosophy.

             I drew the old novel closer to my clenched face. Attempts at blending in were of course ridiculous, but I felt frozen, a child caught out in a game of hide and seek but unwilling to fully admit it. Samuel Thatcher and his wonderful prose couldn’t begin to save me; I thought I’d perfected the art of shutting out my surroundings, hunched over a wobbling desk for a year in a sad flat in Paris. Obviously not. The tent was steaming, full of anger and noise and the pushing and pulling of waning testosterone and waxing frustration. The nerves started to pile on; my toes curled tight inside my old 80s-style Adidas as they hung over the end of the couch.

            “You’re fired,” he said, letting Nelson his inevitable collapse to the floor. His voice caught every rough edge that decades of smoking had carved out. “It’s not cutting it. People want passion. Inspiration. Your approach, whatever you call it, doesn’t make me feel anything. If I don’t feel anything, how can they?”

            A reasonable enough question. Sort of. Having the candidate worry about the feelings of others was double-edged. It meant he cared. That was good. It also meant he was thinking. Probably not so good.

            Little things I was picking up along the way. The man currently getting the sack taught me that one.

            Nelson pulled at his tie, droopy cheeks red as he tried to gather one full breath. Another peek away from Mr. Thatcher told me the poor guy was on the verge of tears. I felt bad. He had a reputation to think about.

            I tried not to think about it.

            That I was quitting at the end of the week gave me some comfort. This was no place for a person like me. Me and the couch made sense together. Made for another time. I liked to read Mr. Thatcher and write novels with ideas buried so deep down, I wasn’t even sure what I was driving at. Soundbites and sociopaths weren’t my scene.

            Out of touch narcissists were more my speed; people with too many degrees and love for the world but no one in particular.

            As Nelson’s head fell at the candidate’s wingtips, I closed my eyes. He was crying. It was horrible. Male fragility. A fine thing, but better in theory.  

            “You,” he said, snapping his giant thumb and giant middle finger. I swung my feet around and stood up with a straight back, trying my best not to be Nelson.   

            “Yes, sir.”

            “What’s your name again?”

            “Harold.”

            “Is that your last name?”

            “No. Sorry, sir. Harold Abbot.”

            “Do you want the job?”

            I’d been around enough for the last few months to know that he didn’t like to wait for rejoinders. I took one more look at sad, snotty Nelson, and gave the man lording over him as firm an answer as I could. “Eh. No thank you.”

            He didn’t seem offended or surprised, which I found rather surprising. He smiled mischievously and asked, “I’ve seen you around, looking like you’re someplace else. Where is it you’re going?”

            “Europe, I think. My first novel did okay. Trying to finish another.”

            “That sounds small and I don’t like it. Small talk, while there’s giants to be slain. You realize that makes you ridiculous?”

            “Yes, sir. I suppose it might sound that way to some people.”

            “We’re all stupid in youth,” he said. “But you’re the message guy. I need you. It’s time to matter. Europe and novels don’t matter.”

            I should’ve been horrified. Nothing mattered more to me than novels, and I rather liked Europe. Slender streets. Quaintness. Real romance. Imagined romance.

            And yet.

            Loaded with all that, I still acquiesced. My resolve had flown for the first available exit. As Nelson continued to blubber at our feet, I tentatively accepted his job, shaking Karl Connell’s bulky, hairy hand. The bones felt thick, like they’d been broken and healed without proper setting.

            I thought about Mr. Thatcher as a fresh batch of shame asserted itself.  

            “Let’s go get a beer, Speech Man.”

            “Are you going to call me that all the time?”

            “I like it. It’s a title. Titles are important. You don’t like it?”

            I didn’t answer. 

            “What were you reading?” he asked, manhandling me through the trucks and tents, people I’d tried to ignore and who’d tried to ignore me for the last few months. They were all leering, thinking the same thing I was: What’s Harry Abbot doing at the side of the big guy?

            “Orders From the Mountain,” I said, trying not to crumble at the hands that had just crumbled my predecessor. “By Sam Thatcher.”

            “Always liked that one,” he said, loosening his grip on my shoulder as we walked into a trailer. Inside was the head of the campaign, Bridget Waterton. She had one of the most beautiful faces I’d ever seen. It was impossibly symmetrical and without blemish. She was well into her forties and somehow looked brand new. Her dark eyes and warm olive skin made it hard not to stare.

            I buried my chin against my chest, looking down to my Adidas and their fraying shoelaces. A fitting compliment to sweaty khakis and rolled-up sleeves. My only salvation was a white dress shirt. It was days from a wash, but the color hid the pools starting to collect underneath each arm. Though the campaign entourage was sitting in the shadow of a massive stadium, my skin was just about cooked from our hurried walk from the tent. “I’m sorry, sir?” I asked, having forgotten his last comment.

            “I said I always liked Orders From the Mountain. A rich commentary on the dissemination of belief.”

            I looked at the candidate and tried my best for a poker face.

            “Or is that wrong?” he prodded. A look over at Beautiful Bridget told me she was interested in my response.

            I smiled tightly and said he was right.

            “Then what’s so funny?”

            “If I’m being candid, most people know at least that much about the book. It doesn’t mean you’ve actually read it.”

            Beautiful Bridget’s beautiful eyes were as open as hangar doors. She was aghast at my cheek. So was I.

            The candidate held out a hand as a signal to take a seat. I buckled at the nonverbal request and gave Beautiful Bridget a look like tell my parents where they buried my body. It was then I realized she was might’ve been interested, but she didn’t care.

            Shit. I was screwed. My grandpa was screwed. He was destined to become a person that spent his retirement years hoping through labored breaths, waiting for my return.

            “Ms. Waterton. This is Mr. Abbot. He doesn’t want to work for me. I liked that about him when he said it, but it needs to stop.”

            “Sir,” she answered. I guess it meant yes or that’s great, though you could’ve said it meant this guy’s a complete joke and it wouldn’t have surprised me.

            He sat down next to me. Close. I scooted over. It was one of those L-shaped cushions that half-surrounded a small table. There was very little room. Besides having no upper lip and tiny ears, he was a large man. Not fat. Large. The trailer didn’t seem appropriately sized, thought I’d never been in one. I thought of cruel, tiny cages at zoos where they keep magnificent beasts. I imagined them, to be more accurate. Like most people, I didn’t know much about things. Things like zoos and airplanes and political campaigns and talking to one of the most talked-about men in America. I’d just turned thirty. I was a great, obscure artist, and my greatness had just begun. Nascent. A sap. No. A sapling.

            Whatever.

            The candidate crossed his legs and looked away from my perspiring face, staring at the little laminated table. His gray eyes went soft and his posture slackened. He was suddenly professorial—maybe even protective. It was as weird as everything else that was happening. “I love the way Sam Thatcher ended up using Davis’ wife as the agent of his end. You could feel the irony coming all the way, but it didn’t make it any less horrifying.”

            “I agree.” I did agree. His assessment of the novel wasn’t bad, but I was still unconvinced. Maybe the wily bastard had read a synopsis on his phone. Part of prep for selling me on the job. Connell was a political figure now, so it seemed a safe assumption that every word he uttered was contrived. My radar was to be trusted. As a writer, I lived contrivance.

            “‘And with the flood that was their faith, it mattered little. He smiled and wept during his last breaths. The voice that had inspired a few and then millions was forever silenced. If he’d mattered more to a few, it might’ve been better. He slipped off, regarded by millions, regarding himself no more. She hung over him half-proud, half-remorseful, as he’d been during those last years.’”

            “Not bad, sir.”

            “I’ve read it.”

            I nodded. “The quote aids my credulity.” It did. Still. I was most likely just one more dupe in a long cue.

            There was a tickle in my throat. Catching it was loud enough to change my own thought direction.

            Karl Connell was still looking at the table. His superhero jaw was disengaged. The candidate was holding to his avuncular settings. Beautiful Bridget was still impossible with her beauty. I was twitchy and needing a haircut. “What’s going to happen to Nelson Andrews?” I asked, not fully understanding why it was first on my docket.

            “Andrews will be fine,” said the candidate, issuing a dismissive wave of his giant hand. He was five moves down the line from a moment that felt five seconds ago.

            Huh was all I could manage for a rebuttal.   

            “We’ll make sure he lands upright,” said Beautiful Bridget, snapping closed her laptop with an air of accomplishment. “Punitive isn’t our style.”

            “Really? Because the guy looked stooped. For life. That was like watching a time lapse video of a person succumbing to arthritis.”

            “We’re giving him a lot of money to go away. You have no idea.” Bridget Waterton came over and sat down on the bench. It was ridiculous. There were other places to sit. Now I was crumpled between them, feeling like a guy in a Scorsese movie right before he gets whacked, breathed upon by two overly familiar strangers. “We want you crafting the message. We want someone that doesn’t care about the game.”

            “I care.”

            “You don’t,” Bridget said, smiling, applying a hand to my knee. I looked down and prayed she wouldn’t plunge her blood-red fingernails through my khakis. “You’re here for a paycheck, and you’re smart. We like that.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “We know that too,” she returned. “Smart and understanding aren’t the same thing. But it’ll start making sense. The world is too strange for the same old tired sentiments. We need someone to do a job. Someone creative, ready to innovate, and completely dispassionate about politics.”

            “Isn’t that your job?” I asked, wrinkling my eyebrows at Beautiful Bridget. She smelled too good. It was the first time I’d ever been terrified of respiration.

            “It’s all our jobs. But someone needs to put the words together. Do it, and we’ll pay you enough to write novels for the rest of your life. Not yet, but eventually. The money, if you do the job we think you can. Then your little books. People will actually read them. Reputation. Status. It’s a great deal.”

            I had no idea what to say, but I didn’t feel like they were going to let me call timeout. “I’ll do it. Pay me double what you were paying Nelson, and I never get mentioned as the speechwriter. Not until I want. Or if I want. That’s the deal. It’s important. Needs to be in writing. One of those disclosure things.”

            Whatever a lawyer feels like, I felt the opposite.

            “Good enough,” said the candidate, thumping the table with a closed fist. The bus’s hydraulics bellowed and the engine immediately started. It was like a magic trick. A very creepy magic trick. Was the bus driver listening in? Was it wise to have drivers listening in on important strategic decisions?

I was thinking too much.

My eyes were dilating in disbelief as I mentioned that all my stuff was back in the tent.

            “We’ll get you new stuff. New. And no more laying on couches. Actually, check that. Do whatever it is you have to do. I understand process.”

            Karl Connell must’ve said process ten or fifteen more times before it was over. It was like sitting before a more robust Howard Hughes. Suddenly he went quiet and leaned back, falling asleep.

            Part of his process, I assumed.

            A thin man came out from behind a partition wearing a suit and looked at me unflinchingly. I asked if he was on the protection detail and he continued staring until he gave me the courtesy of a microscopic nod. Beautiful Bridget went back to her little table and started whacking her laptop. I could breathe now, but thinking wasn’t coming so easy. Was this how the universe worked? Maybe so. It hadn’t worked according to any of my previous theories. Maybe there’s life and then there’s a bus and you get on.

            Maybe. I found my own nook and went back to reading Orders From the Mountain. It was hard. Suddenly Samuel Thatcher didn’t understand me at all. Joey Bottoms, the main protagonist, had nothing to say about my situation. He was a soldier from the Appalachians who killed his brother after the Civil War. Joey Bottoms was an idiot. Whatever the reasons, they’d made it through a conflict famous for pitting brother against brother. Joey couldn’t just let it go. What an asshole. Samuel Thatcher was a silly man. He didn’t understand being whisked away on a magic bus with a guy running for president. Sam Thatcher was dead. And they didn’t even have buses when he was alive.

            “I’m going insane,” I said, quite loud.

            Beautiful Bridget stopped key pounding and turned to me. “Just do your best to manage it. Try going through a divorce at the same time.”

            It was a normal thing to hear, oddly. Domestic. A thing normal people go through. I sat up from my stupor and said, “Sorry to hear about that.”

            “It’s fine. The whole thing with Nelson’s going to make the break a lot cleaner.”

            “How’s that?”

            “I’m married to his brother.”

            “Jesus. You people.” 

            Bridget shrugged her shoulders and put on a giant pair of white headphones, recommencing the destruction of her keyboard.  

            I grabbed for my book and immediately started apologizing to its wrinkled pages. Joey Bottoms wasn’t an asshole. Buses or no buses, he was more real than the surreal storm of shit swirling around me.  

Entry Two: Mattering—Red Hair—Slugger

            It was almost two in the morning. A few weeks into my job as the campaign’s head speechwriter. I was hunched over at the bar of the Hotel America Dryden. It was almost completely dark, making it challenging to work up my notes for the following day’s event. A rally in Milwaukee. I squinted and let out a rudely audible sigh. The sound caused the bartender, an attractive redhead about my age, to pause and pop up from cleaning glasses. “Everything okay over there?” She added an oblique look, unique to service industry folks at the end of a long shift. I’d thrown similar shade at many a customer over the years, pouring drinks to pay for the completion of my PhD. My holy education. Three degrees in little frames, hanging on a wall in a lonely apartment I never saw. They represented honest toil, no doubt, but I couldn’t help thinking they were utterly meaningless. Still in a bar. Late at night. Harboring a sense that something had gone wrong.

            “Can I ask you something?”

            “You can ask.”

            “Do you give a crap about politics?”

            “Sort of an odd question. Well I guess not, considering the circus.” She leaned on the bar and her face caught more of the low light. She was prettier than my initial assessment; a little thin, but kind. Her hazel eyes were open and interested. I blinked away a wave of fatigue and tried recapturing my manners.

            “Sorry. It’s been a little one track lately. Not much chance for normal conversation.” I deliberately set down my pen and looked over her head, catching an unflattering reflection of my face over bottles of high-end liquor. “Can’t remember having an actual conversation, actually.”

            “Sounds weird.”

            “Weird for sure. Again. Apologies.”

            “You work for Karl Connell? The guy running for president? That’s the big time, I guess.”

            I hesitated. My attachment to the campaign remained unofficial and had to stay that way. I was a literary man. One couldn’t be known to jump from political hack to purveyor of prose. The two worlds didn’t mix, both full of the most judgmental and exclusionary lunatics anyone would ever have the good sense to flee. “What’s your name?”

            “Gail Frasier.”

            “Can I buy you a drink, Gail Frasier?”

            “Scotch like yours?”

            “Anything you want. Figure it’s fair play after my sitting over here sulking.”

            “You are a bit of a brooder,” she smiled, refilling my glass and pouring herself a double.

            “Ouch.”

            “A handsome brooder.” A small smile formed on her lips before the glass met her mouth. I drank mine dry and did what I could to keep from coughing.

            “Kind of you.” The low light saved me. I was blushing like a little girl.

            “Answer to your question, though, I do care. About politics. Concretely. Tonight, it’s sorta ruining my life. That doesn’t make sense. But you know what I mean.”

            “You mean business here is slow.” My eyes were a little fuzzy and my insides fought the sting of the fifteen-year-old whisky.

            “Exactly. Big shot comes to town and completely has the run of the place. We fight for shifts here. Nicest place in town. Friday night. But I’m out a half month’s rent because his people aren’t allowed to drink.”

            “And as a corollary, the press guys find a cheaper spot.”

            “You get it. The Commodore Room. Shithole down on the corner. My girlfriends are cleaning up down there.” Gail Frasier set down her glass and put a hand to her forehead. “Geez. That wasn’t cool.”

            “Don’t worry about it. Seriously. I worked bars for years. Tended. Played music. The door. A pendulous trade.”

            “A pendulous trade. That’s a way of saying it.”

            “Stupid to talk like that. Bad habit.” I knew I shouldn’t, but I held out my glass for another. It was cloudy from my ink-stained fingers. She switched it for a fresh one.

            “Not if it’s the way you normally talk. If that’s the way you are, then screw the rest of us for not speaking the same language.”

            I hid a smirk. It was one of two things. The lovely Gail Frasier was buttering me up, making a final play for a big tip before closing, or, she was interested in taking it upstairs.

            Or maybe she just wanted a few free belts.

            The two or three customers sitting at little tables in the back began closing out. “I’m going to—”

            “Don’t.”

            I stood up and slipped a stack of yellow notepapers into my journal, smiling what I hoped was a disarming smile. I didn’t work. She seemed mad, which meant maybe she did like me. Did like me.

            “There’s three hundred dollars.”

            Gail Frasier nodded with an air of quiet satisfaction. She’d expected more. That I could afford more. I couldn’t, not yet, and the fact that I couldn’t somehow found a sweet spot with her. Women in bars at night, drinks going back and forth. Not exactly hard and fast rules.  

            “You headed to your room?” she asked.

            “I am. Long day tomorrow. Can I ask you one more question?”

            “Suppose the three hundred buys you a little leeway.”

            “You ever read Claire Lauren Sees Through?”

            “In high school. Don’t remember much of it. Think it was boring, the way anything you have to do is boring when you’re that age. Why?”

            “You remind me of the main character. Rosaline. Red hair and pretty. Independent but sweet. Not one to suffer fools.”

            “Wasn’t she the one that refused what’s his name? Some rich guy or something?”

            “Yeah. Rosaline found exactly the thing she wanted. Society told her one thing and her own morality told her another. It’s a good story. Classic. Good.”

            “Sort of a weird guy. Aren’t you?”

            “Probably. Definitely a bit of a brooder.”

            “Never got your name. What do you for the Connell campaign?”

            There was a half finger of scotch still in my new glass. I breathed it in and set it gently down on the smooth dark wood, close enough to Gail’s hand to just about feel her skin touch mine. “I never said I did. Goodnight, Miss Frasier.”

            A bit abrupt. The thought occurred to me, just walking away like that. Maybe a little bit smooth, but mostly just rude. Still, it seemed the wisest course. I was tipsy and might reveal my position to a girl I knew nothing about. I considered lying. Lying was always a viable option, though it wasn’t the sharpest tool in my kit. A story, perhaps. Giving out a fake name, regaling her with tales of my burgeoning fake real estate empire on the way up to my limp queen mattress for a roll that would probably be a little bit great and a little more awkward.

            I was choosing sleep. Being an adult. It was time to get it together. If she was objecting to my quick exit, I couldn’t hear it. With my journal and notes clutched against my stomach, I just about gained the door to the lobby when Oliver Page Andrews lumbered to a sweaty stop, completely blocking my path. He was holding a porcelain vase by his side.

            Moving was hampered by sheer surprise. Ollie Andrews was the brother of Nelson Andrews and soon to be ex-husband of Bridget Waterton. He wasn’t a particularly intimidating guy, but there was a chilling sort of desperation written on his face. “Are you screwing her, too?”

            The question didn’t make sense. I hiked up my shoulders and made a noise to signal disbelief. He then hit me in the head. With a vase.

            When I woke, Gail Frasier was holding a rag full of ice against the bridge of my nose. I seethed and bit down and asked where I was. “On the floor,” she told me. “Pretty much where you fell.”

            “What happened?”

            “Well, like I said, you dropped like a rock. He hit you two or three more times, but it looked like the first one had done the trick.”

            “Noted,” I groaned. There were jagged little pieces of the vase all around. My neck and shirt were wet. “Then what?”

            “I told him I was calling the cops and he bolted. They usually don’t. But he didn’t seem drunk. That was like… something else. That guy was really pissed at you. Seemed like he was crying.”

            The bartender continued to apply the ice as the pain lingered, strangely serving to aid my comprehension. “I probably deserved it.”

            “So you and his woman?”

            “No. But I took his brother’s job. Not sure about the woman thing.” I climbed slowly to my feet. “Sounds like drama and he got the wrong guy.” My tongue was loosening, but I was beyond caring. Deception felt silly. She was looking at my notes. The pages had spilled on the floor, and even a cursory glance would tell her it was a political speech. The papers were populated with nothing but banalities and empty expressions of hope, tailored for a Midwestern audience. Words like better and tomorrow ran rampant. I was still getting the hang of things. “I’m helping Connell. Kind of an outside consultant. It’d be big if you didn’t say anything. Really big.”

            “Outside,” she said, handing over the notes. “Is that why you get to drink in here? Special privileges?”

            I was on a roll with the honesty thing. Figured might as try it with both feet. “Yeah, I feel bad about that. The drinking ban was my suggestion. Thought it might look good. Put a wholesome face to our merry band. The press being someplace else didn’t seem so horrible, either. Far as ancillary benefits go.”

            Gail shook her head. I readied for a chiding. “What’s your name, slugger?” she asked. The inquiry was mercifully sparse, considering the circumstances.

            I slipped the notebook back under my arm and held out a hand. “Harold. Abbot.”

            “What say I close up shop and we take the bottle to your room, Harold Abbot?”

            She was beautiful, of course, and sure, I’d just received a beating. But that’s not why I said yes. It was what we talked about before. How we talked. That we talked. A mostly real conversation. I didn’t realize how isolating this journey had left me. If keeping her company meant a few other things, I guess I’d just have to bear it.

Entry Three: Jackie—Gail—Love

            One thing most people don’t know about Karl Connell—he’s a bit strange in the mornings. There was a guy on the campaign that handled him from six to ten. Everybody felt bad for that guy. His name was Jackie, but most people knew him as Worthless or Disgusting or Infuriating, as these were the most common appellations employed by Candidate Connell. Jackie was around my age, but it was more complicated than that. He was descended from a form of Irish that aged particularly fast and stopped growing particularly early; he was just a whisker over five feet tall. Jackie had the strangest hair; it was balding in one distinct spot on the top, but he did nothing to cover it. The rest was dark brown and thick as a crow’s nest. Surely someone had told him it was an easy fix. Surely Karl Connell had observed it from above during one of his diatribes.

            Yes, Jackie was a nervous little guy and made a mistake here and there, but it wasn’t as if he was inept. One couldn’t last around the candidate if they were incompetent. Just ask the guy whose job I now had.

            Anyway.

            I woke up the next morning to the sound of Jackie rapping his little knuckles on my heavy room door. The Hotel America Dryden was a high-class place and spared no change on things like doors, light fixtures and nonsensical modern art prints. Doors, light fixtures and nonsensical modern art prints keep rich assholes coming back to the Hotel America Drydens of the world. It’s the little things, turns out, even with the wealthy.

            So, Jackie was rapping and starting to shout. It was just after six when I noticed it. Correction. Gail Frasier noticed it. “Someone’s knocking,” she mumbled. The mumble went straight into my ear. We were waking in a position I wasn’t all that familiar with. It was nice. I didn’t want to slip away. My arm was under her body and somehow not uncomfortable. The part of me where my shoulder and chest and arm came together served as her pillow as she breathed gently into my face. A little bit of morning breath, but nothing that would stop me trying my luck again. I sunk my nose into her soft red hair and remembered everything in an instant. It was almost dark, except for a little light sneaking out from the bathroom. “Your job,” she said, adjusting to set her chin on my chest. “It’s calling you.”

            I moaned and snuck another glance at the clock. Something had to be wrong. They’d been pretty good about leaving me alone early. Mornings weren’t my thing. If Karl Connell was a supernova at sunrise, I was a black hole. “Maybe they’ll go away,” I groaned into Gail’s hair. Her shampoo and my boozy tongue combined strange and started making moves on my baser instincts.

            The knocking continued. The struggling voice was getting louder to the point of an unbearable squawk. She ran a finger down the middle of my torso and kept going. Despite the unsuitable hour, all was becoming right with the world. Except for Jackie. “Go find out what it is.”

            “I don’t care. I’ve never cared. Did I mention that last night?”

            “Many times. Go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

            A kiss on the lips and an ardent push confirmed she meant business. And she’s right, I thought. Deal with it. Back in a flash. “I’ll make this quick.”

            “Better.”

            In fewer than ten seconds I was at the door in last night’s pants and nothing else. A herd of wild horses wouldn’t deter me from immersing myself back in that messy, smelly, wonderful bed.

            I looked through the hole and saw nothing but the vacancy atop Jackie’s head. I raised my toes for a stopper and opened the door short and quick. “Little early, isn’t it?”

            He smiled and I closed my eyes long enough to be inadvertently rude. The lines in his face grew deeper as he said, “These are the big leagues, Mr. Abbot.”

            “Don’t do that.”

            “I’m sorry?” Jackie asked. He wasn’t annoyed or flexing. He was truly surprised.

            I opened my eyes as wide as I could to the bracing hallway light and said, “Don’t be like that. I have a… thing.”

            “Not sure I understand.” Jackie was rapping his scrawny knuckles on a thick white binder. He was nervous. Overwrought. Overwhelmed. I didn’t need to make him understand. That would mean explaining how phrases like big leagues and playing for keeps made me sick to my stomach. The self-evidential manner in which everyone involved in politics bandied around those words annoyed me to an illogical degree. I couldn’t tamp down the feeling; it was like we the anointed were in the big leagues and nothing and nobody mattered except our heightened importance. We were the only ones facing stakes. People fleeing machete wars in Africa, homeless veterans dying in the streets—they couldn’t possibly conceive of the mountains we had to scale.  

            I said it was illogical.

            “Don’t worry about it, Jackie. How can I help?”

            “That looks pretty bad,” he grimaced, taking full stock of my face. “I can’t believe he really hit you.”

            “Several times. Once with a piece of décor. The rest, I can’t say.”

            A door slammed down the hall and the singular sound of the candidate rumbling toward us grew loud until he was standing in Jackie’s previous spot. “Let me in,” he said, motioning me back with his massive hand. There was fire in his eyes. Crazy alertness. It was like he’d been awake for hours and was hitting his stride. The oil in his hair had already dried. “This woman thing isn’t going to work, Hemingway.”

            Connell had taken to calling me Hemingway. It was because one night he’d seen me wearing a sweater. I was still trying to figure out the exact connection, though obviously he only pictured the great writer in sweaters. It was annoying, because now I could picture him in a sweater. A really gray, really comfortable one.  

            “Let me in,” he repeated, adjusting the thick, gleaming knot of his red necktie. “And go away, Worthless,” he barked, waving at poor little Jackie.

            It was a tight spot. “I can’t let you in, sir. Whatever you have to say, it’s going to have to wait.”

            “To hell with that.” He growled about something being his. He might’ve been referring to the campaign, the staff, the strategy, the rules. I honestly couldn’t hear him. My brain had gone ten seconds into the future, where I was being read the riot act for my unchecked libido.

            My foot and shoulder were no match for the candidate’s heft. He was by me, searching for the light switch. I leaned my bare back against the wall and closed my eyes. Gail would be under the covers or caught in the open, naked. There were certain activities frowned upon on the road. One was shacking up with the local help. It was our duty to be as unsexed and wired as little Jackie at all times and in all places. It made sense. The scrutiny was hard to get your head around.

            The lights came on. Connell sat down on the end of the bed. There was no sign of Gail. There was a clear line of sight to the bathroom. Empty. With this new data, I thought it best to defend myself.

            “You need to know what’s going on,” said Connell. He didn’t look very dignified. His pant legs were almost halfway up his calf. For such a thick man, he had slender legs. I hated seeing them.  

            Sir, if I could,” I started. I had a case to make. Lies to tell. Wonderful Gail had been too good to be true. She was a vision that had apparently evaporated.

            “No, let me,” he continued, hunched over and rubbing his forehead. His perfect suit went wrinkly from the lack of posture. “The girl.”

            My eyes jammed closed.

            “I’m really sorry about all this,” he said.

            My eyes shot open. “Excuse me, sir?”

            “That face of yours. Ollie Andrews couldn’t attack me, so he went after you. It’s inexcusable.”

            “I’m not sure I understand.”

            Connell stood up brusquely and shoved his hands into his pockets, frittering with what sounded like a hundred dollars worth of loose change. “Andrews left five drunken voicemails last night. He knows about me and Bridget. He obviously came here last night and hit the first thing he saw.”

            “You and Bridget?”

            “Completely not a thing. And, even if it was, to come and do something like that…”

            Connell charged close and put his hands around my neck. The openings in his flat nose were dilated. He was expelling sulfur on my scrunched, battered face. He loosened his grasp and dropped his head. “I’ll quit the race. And don’t worry about writing up the speech. It’ll look more dignified if I speak from the heart, tell the people straight.”

            “This is a lot to process.”

            “I’m very sorry, Hemingway. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

            I was thinking a lot. Clearly, Connell and Beautiful Bridget were a thing. I wasn’t hit out of Ollie’s fraternal duty to his brother’s usurpation. My battering was the result of Ollie’s jealousy toward the candidate. The girl wasn’t Gail. This had nothing to do with me. Except for getting knocked unconscious.

            It was a warm blanket of relief, and yet, I found myself saying the following: “Maybe you should take a minute before you do anything drastic.”

            “It’s no use. My wife will find out. My kids.”

            “Is this a first time thing?”

            “Not really. And my wife bounces between at least three men at any given time.”

            “Wow.”

            “You’ve seen my kids. They’re grown. The only thing they care about is my money and the businesses I’ve had to abandon for this fool’s errand. I’m sure they’ll revel in my failure.”

            “This is a lot to process.”

            “You said that already.”

            “Take it as an indication that I’m being truthful. Sir?”

            “Ask.”

            “Would you mind letting go of my neck and stepping back a bit?”

            “Sorry, kid.”

            “That’s okay. I’ve seen you in the mornings.” With room to breathe, I let the thousand thoughts swirling in my head collect into manageable pockets. “Do you want to resign?”

            “It’s really not about what I want at this point.”

            “Small.”

            “Speak plain, Hemingway.”

            “This may be small. Something you can work around. Does Oliver have any tangible proof?”

            “He didn’t mention anything concrete. But he suspects. And whatever the case, it’s true. I was lying a minute ago.”

            “So he may not have anything at all. I’m not saying it’s possible to kill this in the crib, but at least find out. If so, it’s small. You move by it, go back to slaying giants. All that stuff you said to me when we met.”

            Karl Connell turned sideways and started sifting the change in his pockets once more, lost in contemplation. I considered putting on a shirt, but instead leaned back against the wall. What was I doing? I had a clear way out. Torpedoing my clean escape from the world of politics unscathed had been a constant desire since the day Nelson Andrews knocked on my door:

            I’m working on my next novel, I told him. Fifty-thousand words so far. Thereabouts.

            He inquired as to how to when it might be finished.  

            I’m actually going through a bit of a lull, I said.

            He looked at the state of my apartment and wondered how I was fixed for money. A question he and most of the people I went to school with never had to ask once in their lives.

            I’m a little lean. The last one didn’t exactly break any records.

            Nelson walked his casual blueblood walk around my living room and with an elevated nose began to describe my history back at me like I hadn’t been there for it. The degrees from Texas, Yale, and Oxford. How I should at the very least be teaching at a distinguished institution. Wondering if I recalled outshining him and most everyone in most every class. That writing novels in the twenty-first century made as much sense as enlisting a horse and buggy for a trip down an expressway. He wounded my pride and sense of direction, but he killed me with money. It’s a paying gig, he added, and all you ever talked about at Yale was the magic of making the rent with words.

            I’ll try it, but no promises.     

            He assented. To him, I was worth the risk.

            I’m serious. No commitments. Nothing I can’t get out of the second it feels unmanageable.

            Two days later I was an anonymous part of the retinue, slumping wherever I walked, finding dark corners, passing Nelson notes; we became schoolgirls in the hallway between classes. Now he was gone. His brother had thrown me a beating. And I was inexplicably talking myself and Connell into keeping the train rolling.

            Light was beginning to poke through the thick curtains. “I have people that can look into these things.”

            “Yes you do. There’s people everywhere around here. They’re all yours.”

            The candidate slapped his time-worn cheeks and reengaged his standard bombast. “If we make it through the day, you’re going to have a check for fifty-thousand dollars waiting at the next stop. A bonus.”

            “Sir, I’m not even sure that’s legal.”

            “Are you the legal guy? I thought you were the word guy?”

            “I’m the word guy.”

            “Don’t worry about the law. This is America, son. Nobody ever got to the top worrying about the law.”

            He shook my hand and offered an expression of gratitude and resolve. “I’m sorry about your face. And do I need to say it?”

            “I can’t talk about this. Ever.”

            “This can’t leave the room. I’ll make you sign something. Something legally binding.”

            Considering what he’d just said, I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.

            “I wouldn’t even entertain it. But the fact that it’s you. That’s why I may go on.”

            “Sir?”

            “Sycophants. That’s all there are. All except you, Hemingway. You don’t give a damn. This is beneath you, and yet you care. There’s something to that. Maybe I’m worth saving. Just maybe. And Harold…”

            “Sir.”

            “Really am sorry about your face. No matter what happens with everything else, I’ll make it up to you. That’s my word.” It was a few seconds of true tenderness, and then once again he was a heaving mass of energy, out the door to sift the fallout of his dalliance with Beautiful Bridget.

            I looked down at my bare feet. The motion of this life was so rapid. It didn’t allow for much more than flash reaction.

            “That was kind of hilarious. And kind of strange.”

            Gail poked her head from the curtains. Not a magician or a figment, after all. I smiled immediately and then went immediately cold.

            Hopping back into the bed she said, “Don’t worry. I can see that you’re worrying. Don’t.”

            Of course I was worrying. The man who might still be the front runner for president had just unwittingly spilled his guts to my one-night-stand. 

            “Come back to bed. I don’t have class for two more hours, and you may not have a job at all.”

            There wasn’t much in the way of an objection. We made some of the sleepiest, coziest love two strangers had ever made. That’s how it felt, anyway.

            I rolled over and looked at the clock. Eight. No news. No rapping on the door from Jackie. I could infer nothing. In less than two hours I’d made the journey back to caring very little about my job, but I did care for the woman next to me. Though I might never see her again, I couldn’t betray the small time we’d spent together by avoiding what needed addressing.

            “Dammit,” I sighed, staring at the ceiling while she played with the hair over my ear.

            “Tell me.”

            “How are you so relaxed? You sound really relaxed.”

            “Buddy, if that didn’t relax you, nothing will.”

            “I need to say some things.”

            “Okay.”

            “All that stuff you heard. It’s up to you. I mean, you’re a person. Rights and protection and a woman and everything.”

            “A woman and everything,” Gail repeated, barely opening her lips. She was mocking me, but too calm to sting. Half of her face was planted on the bed where the pillows once were. “Are your speeches this eloquent?”

            “It could be serious. I’m not telling you what to do. I’m really not.”

            “I think I believe you. But seriously. Why did you tell him to stick it out?”

            In one night this woman had me figured out perfectly. She was already asking the same questions I was asking myself. It was either a testament to my transparent nature or my shallowness or both. “Not sure. It was like for a minute he was just another guy and I was trying to say it’s not the end of the world. You say things like that to people. Only, he’s not people.”

            “Seemed human to me. As crazy as the next one. Crazier, maybe, but that’s partially because we think he shouldn’t be. Us thinking he’s above being a little crazy because he’s running for office makes us crazier, could be.”

            I was in love. I might not be in an hour, but I was right then. Gail Frasier could make sweet love and talk elegant sense back-to-back. “Can we stay here for a few weeks?” I asked.

            “Don’t trust me,” Gail said, still motionless.

            “Hey.”

            “Seriously. It’s not logical. You can’t trust people. I promise I don’t want any involvement, but the stakes are too high for you to just go take my word for it.”

            She went on to explain that if Connell’s affair was still a secret, it might be wise to remind the guy that hit me that there was a witness. “Say I’ll testify. No way he won’t cut a deal. Or whatever these people do. I think that could work. Everyone’s happy.”

            I was in love. It scared me that Gail Frasier was so clever and calculating, but not enough to make a mark.

            “Wow,” I said. “That’s really good.”

            “I want to nap.”

            “Thought you had class?”

            “Who cares. Read to me. That book over there.” She closed her eyes and drew closer, waiting for a story. I turned on the bedside lamp and started from where I’d last left off.

            “What is it?” she asked.

            “It’s called Notes on Weather and Roads. By Davidson G. Wright.”

            “Sounds horrible.”

            “Yeah, but it’s not. It’s about a group of people that find all these crazy deep messages in the mundane everyday happenings of existence. Like finding the meaning of life just by living. It’s heartening.”

            Gail’s voice was growing softer. “You’re the opposite. In a cute way.”

            “What?”

            “You’re at the center of everything, and you roll your eyes.”

            She was asleep before I could start reading. And I was still in love.

Entry Four: Magical Places—Grady—Son of a Bitch

            Ten days later, and somehow we’d managed to come through. The situation appeared as if it was healing faster than my face. Campaign staffers buzzed all around as we went from small town to small town. The middle of the country was nothing like I’d been told. While Bridget directed the fold, I snuck away to explore magical places like feed stores and family diners where magical people looked you in the eye and told you what they were thinking. It helped my work. A little bit of Americana was seeping into my speechwriting, a quality sorely lacking in Connell’s perceived persona. He’d always been amiable to crowds, even electric, but the man needed some grounding. Life as a venture capitalist didn’t make him the most relatable figure in America, but most folks didn’t expect a friend. The people inside the magical places weren’t naïve in the ways I was told. They figured on being lied to and realized that was the way things were; they’d vote, if at all, for the man or woman they could trust the most or distrust the least. As I began to lose track of the towns, it became clear that the magical people were far wiser than the people with three degrees and a view of the ocean. They could see us on TV and hear us on the radio, after all. To us, they were mere imaginings to be used for power or political gain.

            In the end, they still were. I was talking to a man named Grady at a barber shop as he swept up my hair when it occurred to me it wasn’t just conversation; I was mining him for information on the plight of the common man. “I just wonder about my grandson. There ain’t much work around here,” he said, shaking his head with a kind of practiced reservation. “Ain’t much work at all.”

            I snuck a glance in the mirror and glanced at my new style. Tight on the sides, with just enough left on top to do something stylish. Grady was pretty good. In New York the same job would’ve cost me a hundred bucks. The back of my neck felt tingly and new; it had been years since I’d gotten a straight-razor shave. “Not bad,” I said, turning back toward Grady.

            “You’re a good-looking kid,” he said, finishing up with clippings. “Need to remember to keep your left up, though.” My hand shot toward the wounds healing around my eyes and nose. “Guess politics is as tough as they say.” He laughed a little, but not enough to be intrusive or rude. I realized that Grady wasn’t just a barber. He actually listened to people as he cut their hair, and he knew how to respond. An occasional jest. A little free advice. A few measures of silence. It was instinct. I realized that I could probably learn a lot from Grady. For a moment I thought about taking him with me. That would really get the worker bees in the campaign talking. What makes Harry Abbot so important? And what’s with the old pocked-faced man that keeps following him around wearing a barber’s apron?

            “How long you been at this gig, Grady?”

            “Forty years, thereabouts.”

            “Same place?”

            “Opened up right here on main street.”

            “You think things have gotten better or worse?”

            Grady leaned his hair mop against the wall and straightened his back. He was a sturdy man with big forearms and head full of gray hair. His appearance was suffering a bit, though it hinted at a time when the young ladies in town might’ve secretly wished for his advances. “Better or worse. Hard answering questions like that. You need a poet or a priest to handle that one.”

            “Poet or a priest?”

            “Something my dad used to say whenever we asked him something tough. ‘Find a poet or a priest and let me know what he makes of it.’ One of his go-to phrases.”

            “Get along with him? Your dad?”

            “I guess so. We probably would’ve had it out by now if things were really raw.”

            “He’s still around?”

            “Ninety-four. He’s lived with me and the wife ever since my mom died. Going on ten years.”

            It was too much magic. I could handle the straight talk and the straight looks, but something about Grady’s uncomplicated face and the way he reeled off his family situation had me crossed up. He asked what was wrong, the way you do when someone in the room turns white and looks like they’ve been kicked in the balls.

            “You ok, kid?”

            I said yes, barely noticing the slick as I resumed my previous post in the barber’s chair.

            Dad talk. I knew better. After my mom slipped out the back door when my brother and I were too young to understand such things, dad was left with the whole show. Maybe he did his best at first. Keane always speculated. Said two boys was a lot to put on a guy in his late twenties.

If the Son of a Bitch tried, it didn’t last long. By the time I hit middle school, he’d given up any earnest attempt at being a father. It was gradual until it wasn’t, the way a lot of descents are, and we dealt with it the best we could. Keane was a few years older and probably took a lot more of the suffering than I knew or was able to understand.

One woman followed another, and drunk became his default setting. Those were the good times. His discovery of cocaine really put that extra bit of excitement in our lives. After a few lines with his friends down at the local, he’d stumble in a state of bliss or madness. He never was much for the middle of the road. Keane got tough from the beatings. It was almost like he was grateful for them. I learned to defend myself, but it never stopped there. The two or three times me and my father really went at it, it took Keane to keep me from trying to kill the Son of a Bitch.

The next day was always the worst part. You couldn’t yell or make him feel regret. The memories were gone. He held his head at the breakfast table and mumbled at the sports page like nothing happened. I asked him how he could look at himself. Told him we’d be better off if he was dead. Said that I prayed each night mom would come back and the devil would take him down to get a head start on everlasting damnation. He’d laugh and tell me to go stick my head in another book. Dismissively remark that I didn’t know how good I had it. That my mother was a dirty, useless whore that didn’t give a shit about any of us. He said that until the day we got a call that she had died.

            Barely anyone outside the house knew a thing. The surface of the lake seemed calm. It was amazing, actually. People in the neighborhood would see him driving us drunk to school, looking more or less normal. They’d remark what a strong man he was. To keep a home and raise two smart boys. What a feat. What a guy.

            Maybe it was all part of a plan. Make us tough. Make it so we’d will ourselves to be good at every sport and activity offered at school, if only to keep away from home a little bit longer. We thought of achievements as reprieves. Little vacations away from the asshole pounding beers at home, wishing the world hadn’t been so unfair.

            Just to clarify, it wasn’t part of a plan. He was a nasty Son of a Bitch that did enough to maintain illusions. A nasty Son of a Bitch that happened to have two kids that knew their only chance was getting the hell away from him. When I was just about to head off to undergrad, he met a nice woman named Louisa that got him to kick the drugs and even curb the drinking. She moved in and took his ups and downs as her cross to bear. She even gave me spending money to supplement my scholarship “until I got settled.” The woman was a saint. Her entrance into our lives almost made me hate him more; it seemed like Sons of Bitches were always getting saints and angels. Clarence only showed up in the movie after George became a selfish Son of a Bitch ready to throw himself off a bridge and leave behind a teary brood. Clarence was an asshole. George was a Son of a Bitch, another version of the horrid thing I grew up with.

            “You want me to call somebody, kid?” Grady asked, chewing on that toothpick. I looked at his tattoo and started to gain a little composure.

            “No.” I decided to lie. For the best. “It’s a blood sugar thing. Need to grab something from the deli, is all.”

            Grady seemed relieved to hear that it was only my physical health. “Oh. I’ve heard that can be tricky. Let’s get you of here. Twelve bucks.” He grabbed a hose with a nozzle that sparkled like 1950 and shot air up and down my body. It finished waking me from my stupor.

            I held out a twenty in my left and told the barber to keep the change. He looked down and said it was too much. I insisted. That old routine.

            I walked across treated hardwood toward the door when three black SUVs pulled up in front of Grady’s storefront. Karl Connell stepped out, flanked by his secret service detail. Vera Beros, the hot agent with the bedroom eyes, opened up the door like they were performing a drill. It was pretty comical, really. The candidate gusting in. Agents talking in code into their shirtsleeves. Old Grady standing there, twenty dangling from his fingers. “Hello, Hemingway! Surprised to see me?”
            “A little bit, sir.”

            “I asked for you back at the campaign office. They said he’s one town over, going through his process.”

            “Yeah, but how did you find me here?” A quick look of apology from Vera was all I needed. I mentioned my need for a haircut right before I left. She obviously said something. My frustration lasted about a half second. The young agent was one of the only friends I’d made in the entourage.

            “Everyone out,” he said, walking assertively toward Grady. “I like what you’ve done with the kid. Give me something similar.”

            “Are you sure?” asked the small-town barber. “Don’t you have someone that does your hair the way you like it?”

            “I do, Grady,” Connell said, throwing me his suit jacket and taking to the shiny chair. “But I haven’t exactly blowing away the field, lately. It’s time to go with something new. Lay it on me. I like things done fast, but care is more important than speed.”

            I nodded at the barber to give him some assurance, feeling guilty and a few other things I couldn’t quite name just yet.

            As the candidate sat receiving a trim, he made me stand and watch. “Just delivered that farm subsidies speech.”

            “How’d it go?” I asked.

            “Best damn farm subsidies speech ever given, I’d imagine. They went crazy.” He turned slightly, almost running into Grady’s shears. I winced. So did the barber. “Sorry,” he said. “I was going to do some bragging about you. Tell you what, my friend. If I become president, that kid right there is going to have a lot to do with it.”

            My hands were in my pockets. My eyes were at my toes. Old Grady didn’t deserve this infringement on his day. “I’ll tell you what, Mr. Connell,” he interjected, adding an authority to his tone I hadn’t yet heard. “Seeing how I don’t much care how it goes either way, I’ll promise you my vote.”

            “Is that right?”

            “Yes sir. On one condition.”

            “Hit me.”

            “Make sure the boy doesn’t get overworked. He’s got some health issues. What was it, son?”

            I had to think for a moment. Lies requiring a memory and all. “Blood sugar. No big deal.”

            Karl Connell looked indefatigable and almost angry. “You have my word, Grady. He keeps a lot to himself, the kid. Lives in his head most of the time. I didn’t even know there was a problem.”

            The presidential hopeful ordered me to sit down in one of the chairs by the door. I listened casually to the back and forth between my two elders. It was hard not to smile. Connell was coming across like a protective father. Grady sounded like a man that couldn’t be bought. I crossed my legs and sifted through the magazines strewn on an old wooden end table. Underneath I found a few old paperbacks. I didn’t recognize the first one I came across, but the second was all too familiar. The Fields Song Easter. One of my favorites. Flipping through the pages, I saw paragraphs almost friendly enough to quote. Quinn Robson’s classic about a few ailing families coming together to plant a crop that will see them through the winter. A few laughs gathered under my breath, thinking how much Keane reminded me of the main character, Dez Wilshire. I bit my lip thinking of times I sought refuge in those very pages, a way to escape the Son of a Bitch.

            They kept trading clipped wisdoms and funny anecdotes as I attempted to give myself over to Davidson’s prose, the way I used to, hiding under the bed. It didn’t work. Grady’s Barber Shop didn’t need escaping. It felt like apple pies and loud, happy families, and there wasn’t a threat coming from anywhere. Closing The Fields Song Easter, my thoughts drifted to Gail Frasier. She was meeting up with the campaign, sometime on the next swing. We’d decided. It had me a little nervous. We’d been talking a little bit every day, enough to stay excited, but not enough to wade far out past the shallow end. There was probably nothing to worry about, but that wouldn’t stop me. I looked to my left and caught a wink from Agent Vera Beros. What would she think if she saw me sneaking around with a grad student? Why did I care all of a sudden?

            Stop it, stupid.

            “You’re a good man, Grady. You chew on things that matter. Really enjoyed talking to you.” They were shaking now, two tough hands with so many miles between.

            “Got to say, it’s been a pleasure,” the barber said, reaching for a little mirror. Connell waved it off, like somehow he knew Grady had given the haircut performance of his life.

            “As far as the pills coming through the area, it’s one of my top priorities. It pisses me off, hand to God. You’ve got my word.”

            “And watch out for the kid. He’s a good tipper.”

            The candidate walked by me and did a thing with his eyes. It took a second to realize that it was a call to pay. I mumbled something like of course and rifled around my pockets. Nothing but a fifty and assorted change.

            “Don’t be ridiculous,” Grady said, backing up from the bill.

            “Do me a favor. No time to argue.”

            I pivoted quickly to follow Connell out to the cars. The sticky floor against my sneakers took me back to underperforming in high school gym class.

            “Son.”

            Half my body was through the door, into the fresh midwestern air. I turned back to hear the rest.

            “I hope it all works out. Take good care.”

            Agent Beros placed a guiding hand on my back and said something into her cuff.

            We were already riding silently back to campaign headquarters when it occurred to me that I still had the little copy of The Fields Song Easter curled in my hand. I turned to Connell, just about to ask him to reverse the caravan. He was asleep.

            “Shit.”

            “Everything okay?” Beros whispered, rolling down the glass separator just enough for me to see those eyes.

            “The book.”

            “Oh, I used to love that one. The movie sucked. Are you using it for research?”

            “Research?”

            “You know, getting a feel for the heartland, what they go through. If you really want the inside track, just ask me. I grew up in a place just like this.”

            “Actually,” I started, wanting to tell her that I was an accidental book thief and that we needed to interrupt the schedule of one of the world’s most recognized people to right a fifty-cent wrong. “Never mind.”

Entry Five: Caring—Not Caring—45

            I was forming a habit. Watching Connell deliver my speeches, usually from the side stage. It was helpful to see how he delivered my words and how the crowd reacted. The candidate had his own ticks and cadences, and I was trying to fine tune the music for him to sing.

So to speak.

            It was electric. It was strange. Beautiful Bridget Waterton would tell me what was to be served and it was my job to embellish the presentation for maximum efficacy. Connell might push back with varying levels of fervor, but usually he’d acquiesce to my opinion. Bridget was usually on my side. It was her idea to hire me in the first place, apparently. She’d read most of the articles I’d written over the years at whatever college newspaper I was working at. She’d read my novel.

            Maybe she felt a sense of loyalty to me, seeing as how I’d been physically assaulted for her affair with Connell. Also, I’d convinced the great man to stay in the race.

            Maybe she liked having someone raw and easily manipulated. The writing came natural, sure, but I didn’t know the first thing about taxes or markets or health care schemes.

            “You’re starting to understand,” she said, sidling up next to me behind the curtains off stage at a middling college in Kentucky. It was the first time I’d ever been surprised by her presence. It was common for the aroma of heaven or a chorus of angels to precede her visitations.

            “Understand what?” I asked, loud, through an eruption of applause from the student body.

            “The whole thing. It’s in your eyes. In the way you’re standing there, chewing your fingernails.”

            I looked at her and said nothing. Making eye contact with her would mean game over on account of sensory overload. Traveling with her had provided me with sufficient data. Bridget Waterton was proof; there was such a thing as too much beauty.

            “You’re beginning to give a shit,” she continued, probably aware that I was incapable of speech in her immediate vicinity. “I’m glad he has you,” she added, almost with a smile. “Glad we have you.”

            Another crack of applause. It was strange. Something I wrote was eliciting exuberance from a hall full of previously jaded undergrads.

Could be that. Or could be Karl Connell was just the next thing to get behind, the next in a never-ending line of idols that would ultimately leave them bereft of hope or happiness. He might spit out the same inane drivel as all the other candidates and the people would be as enthralled. More enthralled, maybe. I’d raised my doubts to various people on the staff, but they all seemed to think our message was on point and razor sharp; Karl, Bridget, even Trig (whoever he was) and a woman about my age named Lydney. (Whatever she was doing)

            “Are you going to get that?” asked Beautiful Bridget. I looked around and down until I realized she was talking about my phone. It was in my front shirt pocket, lighting up through the fabric.

            I mumbled for an answer. Walking behind the last set of curtains, I hit talk.

            “Harold Locke Abbot. Are you finally answering?”

            I said hello to Gail Frasier. She sounded playful and maybe a little admonishing, but it was hard to tell. I snuck down into a small walkway where I could better hear. “I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back sooner.”

            “That’s okay, big time. The TV says the race is tightening up. Imagine it’s all pretty intense.”

            “Eh, who cares about all that. Is everything going okay… classes and all that?”

            It was labored stuff between us. The sure feeling that I had was waning. The night in the hotel was almost a month ago. A month that was starting to feel like years.

            “We don’t have to keep doing this, Harry.”

            “Doing what?”

            “Exactly.”

            “Seriously though.”

            I could hear her sigh. “The talking, trying to make this more than it is.”

            “If it wasn’t something, neither of us would’ve persisted this long.”

            “Not necessarily true, pal. I’ve done things that made a lot less sense for a lot longer.”

            That made me laugh. The way she said it, the quickness. Gail fired machine gun tracers of wit when her barrel was warm. “We’re swinging back through town next week. Let’s stick to the plan and get dinner. Still a good plan.”

            “Fine,” she said, “but I don’t really think we should talk too much till then. These conversations are sucking the life out of something that was fun. Only call me if it’s something you really want to get off your chest.”

            The moment came and went for me to fire my own winsome burst back. “Sounds good.” Best to button it up.

            She said to get back to work and I said I’ll see you soon. I hung up the phone and started hitting my head against a rail.

            “Didn’t think anyone would be back here.” The voice was male. Sounded like it belonged to a smoker. I pointed my cell phone light and saw the outline of a man in a dark suit pressed against the wall next to an exit.

            “Who are you?” Though I did my best not to take note of individuals in the Connell camp, I was sure he hadn’t been around. “Speaking of not supposed to be back here.”

            “Don’t you tell me,” he said, pulling out a chrome pistol from underneath his jacket. I think it had a wood handle. Either way, he was making his point. “Don’t you tell me.”

            “Yeah,” I said. It was all I had.

            “I’ll shoot you right here. I used to work in this theater. Know all the nooks and crannies. I’ll shoot you and get out. Hide and slip away. Whatever I want. Don’t you tell me.”

            The crowd was erupting with more frequency, meaning the speech was drawing close to its conclusion. After that, Connell would take questions from the student body. Questions I vetted beforehand and rewrote so they wouldn’t sound so damn dumb. Young people. Mostly stupid. Not their fault. “What’s your name?”

            “Oh, you want to get to know me? Understand me?”

            I said, “Didn’t mean anything that deep by it. You’ve got the gun. Scary.”

            “Who are you?” he asked. “What do you do for that scumbag?”

            “I’m the speech guy,” I explained, surprised at my own level of calm. It didn’t seem real. The guy wasn’t all that menacing. Sure, the gun, but other than that. He was maybe a little taller than an average girl, early twenties and already balding, craned neck like he’d spent most of his life under a hoodie, trying to avoid the tougher kids. “Oh shit,” I said.

            “What?”

            It was then that I realized, the proper feeling should’ve been terror. The pussies were the ones that always went around shooting everybody. This guy had all the telltale pussy indicators. “Dude.”

“What?” he repeated, waving the gun with a flagging wrist. “What are you thinking?”

I was thinking he wasn’t a dude. Dudes hardly ever did the real nutty shit. Dudes rarely made manifestos. Dudes got laid and did normal stupid shit. That’s what I always heard in high school, anyway, and why I had said dude aloud in the presence of the armed, limp-wristed pussy.

“Is it okay if I go?”

“Don’t you move.”

With a sigh I said, “I knew I would be punished. This makes sense. God’s hand is all over this one.”

            “What are you babbling about?” asked the young gunman. I couldn’t see much of his face in the dark, but he was close enough to get a strong whiff of halitosis. I thought about Beautiful Bridget and how she smelled five minutes ago. Gail a month ago. Agent Vera Beros the night before.

            “Things were going really good for me,” I pleaded as he forced me to sit down. “Getting laid. Respect at work. Kind of an important job. And these paychecks are fat, not going to lie. I was thinking about buying a car when this was all over. Leasing sucks. Don’t lease. What was your name?”

            “Eton Hayle. You’re babbling. Stop.”

            “Eton. I like that. Distinguished. Institutional. Not that you belong in an institution.”

            Eton was right. Babbling.

            “Shut up.” The gun metal was pressing against my forehead for a few seconds, but he couldn’t hold it there. He was too jittery.

            “What’s the plan here? You hide behind the stage and hope Connell walks out this way? What if you can’t get a shot? What do you do with a gun that size? After, I mean? It’s a big gun, by the way.”

            “One more word and I’ll do it.”

            I looked down at my phone in my front pocket. It was facing my chest, but I could tell the light was on. “Can I—just one more thing.”

            “What!”

            “If maybe you’re rethinking this whole episode, you can give me the gun.”

            Eton Hayle began laughing. He had a distinctive laugh, high and clashing. It was the laugh of a ghost that haunts the basements and the belfries of an old middling Kentucky theater. Maybe I was imagining things. No. That halitosis was beyond my imagination. “There are tunnels that run underneath this place. I could get out if I wanted to.”

            “Do you not want to?”

            He was still laughing, but now there were tears mixed in. “It’s never been about my wants. Never, never, never, never.”

            The audience questions were coming now. I heard the smack of the mic as it was passed to the next student. The nervous delivery of some wobbly-kneed kid, so sure of himself just seconds before.

            “Going to be sick,” I said, turning away and bending over. In truth, I was feeling pretty rotten, but not enough to vomit. With my back between myself and Eton, I pulled out my cell phone and hit the second number down before putting it back in my front pocket.

            “Stop that. Turn around.” He had the gun raised up, like he was readying to knock me over the head with it. Not a complete idiot. Didn’t want to give away his position for a nobody like me.

            “Before you hit me, why would you do this? Why hide out in the back of theater to kill Karl Connell?”

            “You’re so stupid. Could never understand. Never, never, never, never.”

            The way he said never, trailing off, it was like something I’d seen or heard. “What is that?”

            “What?” he asked.

            “The never thing.”

            “It’s from a movie. The only we had when I was growing up.”

            “Huh. Yeah, I quote stuff when things get stressed. What movie?”

            “Desert Walrus. Idiot.”

            “Oh yeah. Decent book. Never saw the movie.”

            “Never heard of the book,” Eton said.

            “That happens. More than you might guess, actually.”

            “I have to knock you out now. You can’t get in my way. Speech guy. Be glad I don’t want to kill you.”

            I was glad, but I wasn’t in the mood for traumatic brain injury, either. Playing for time seemed the best option. “Just wait. Answer my question, man. I want to understand. What did Connell do?”           

            My eyes were doing a decent job of handling the darkness, and it was clear that Eton was warring with himself, gnashing his teeth, biting his lower lip. “He doesn’t matter. He’ll never matter. I’ll never matter. Never, never, never, never.”

            “But there is memory.”

            He stopped pulling at his hair. That was it. That was the point of Desert Walrus, too, though it was up for interpretation. No real reason for anything, so you might as well leave an impression. Not that compelling of story when you looked under the hood.

            “People will talk about it. They’ll say my name because right now they’re saying his name.”

            “It won’t last. And you could get killed, man. I get the hopeless bit. Lived it, maybe longer than you. Just don’t go out like this.”

            “Things will get better?” Eton said, trying bad to sound like he didn’t care. Of course he cared. Cared so much he’d driven himself mad with all the caring. He was a vessel that had been emptied by the world and circumstance, abuse or neglect or the other billion things that take from people. Filled back up with up with bad movie lines and failed attempts at relationships and wrong choice after wrong choice until the whole drama of life, all the possibility, became reduced to a little nowhere theater in a nowhere town. The only thing playing starred Eton Hayle and Karl Connell, and the new arrival, me. Eton was where the desperate find themselves all too often, breathing hard, trying to live and adapt in a place they aren’t meant for. Shit, I was thinking too much.

            “Never, never, never, never.”

            “Geez, Hayle. That story got into your blood.”

            “Shut up!”

            I could sense the end coming quick, but I wanted to avoid it. Not for Karl Connell’s sake, or even mine. Not for Eton Hayle’s either, necessarily. It was like I didn’t feel like throwing another wrench in the works. Something along those lines. Like watching over a placid pond, being desperate to keep anyone from throwing in a stone. “Look,” I gasped, straining to ignore the increasing pressure of the gun metal against my head. “You can still get out of this. Jump in one of those tunnels you were talking about and just go.”

            “You know my name.”

            Shit. “Whatever. The whole turnaround starts with you handing me the pistol. We get some people to listen to you for a change, and who knows.”

            “I’ll be in jail.”

            “Maybe not. You’re looking too far ahead. It’s all about right now. I’m asking you, please. Feeling stranded isn’t just a you thing, Eton. Been dealing with it all too long, myself. Trick is keeping it in check, knowing the limits. Usually you can tell a line’s been crossed when you’re holding a gun to someone’s head. Come on, man. I just want a car. And new pants. Two things, whole new person. Change changes things. That’s why there’s a word for it.”

            I thought I heard him laugh. Finally, a semblance of regular humanity. Maybe I want to remember it that way, considering what came after.

            The door underneath the little exit sign burst open and two agents rushed in. I was facing them. The bullets must’ve whisked over my head. Hard to be sure, it was so loud in the little space. They left me alone for the next little while. Thought that was a little cold, actually. One of the agents stood over the body of Eton Hayle while the other went to secure a perimeter that was supposed to already be secure. I mumbled something about the tunnels, the ringing still overwhelming my ears.

            Maybe they asked me if I was okay.

            It’s true what they say about hard situations being hard to remember.

It was a just a little rally in a little Kentucky town, after all. Placid waters. They were. I couldn’t keep them that way. The blood was hard to wash off that night. The extinction of Eton Hayle had me thinking about his story, all the shit that had led him there. A lot of things would be said about me in the coming days, some in the camp even calling Harry Abbot a hero. The story had been suppressed at my demand and Connell had agreed, but a few blogs picked up on rumors of the involvement of an unnamed staffer. Secretly, I wanted to feel like a hero. Agent Vera Beros treated me like one in bed that night and the night after. She was getting a commendation. It was her I had called, second number down, right under Gail Frasier, who still had no idea that it happened. This was something to get off my chest. I’d probably call her.

            The gunfire from the agents caused a panic in the theater, obviously ending the event with a crash. After we’d moved to the next town and the next hotel, Connell came to see me that night. The particulars of the incident had trickled down to Bridget Waterton and now to him.

            I was drinking, sitting on a plush couch in Cincinnati, looking to my left out at the big river moving steady below. They’d given me a better room. I was just a few away from the big man.

            “You getting drunk, Hemingway?” he asked with a knock.

            We were developing a shorthand by then.

            I got up and unlocked the door, bowing as he stepped heavily through. “Nice.”

            “I think the hoteliers call it the Held At Gunpoint package. It’s big with these Ohio River Valley types.”

            “How much have you had?”

            “Not enough,” I said, passing him the bottle. He took a big drink and gasped from the bite. It was good stuff. He nodded his big head in acknowledgment of the quality before passing it back.

            “Sounds like you did a brave thing, kid.”

            “Sounds like you don’t believe what you’re saying, sir.”

            He snapped his fingers for the bottle. “Don’t be an ass. I have a hard time with this stuff. You know that by now; if it was difficult finding time for emotions before, the campaign turns you into a damn robot. We’re all turning a bit. Changing.”

            I nodded and we sat on the couch in silence before he eventually turned on the TV. It was a local reporter, reading a statement prepared by one of the minions I never talked to. A comment on gun violence and mental health in America.

            “Vague,” I said, rubbing my eyes as I turned down the volume.

            “You don’t like it?” he asked.

            “No, it’s perfect. I’m training the minions well. They hate me. It just started that way, so I went with it.”

            “Probably for the best.”

            “What do you actually think?” I asked, motioning at the TV. “About guns and crazy assholes.”

            “I think there’s a lot of guns and a lot of crazy assholes, and one of them almost killed my speech guy tonight. I don’t like it. Anyone with a smattering of humanity doesn’t like it.”

            “You want to do anything? Change things for the better?”

            “I’m not Caesar,” he said, reaching over to apply one of his massive mitts to my shoulder. “Not Caesar, meaning I’m not running for dictator. Guess you could call me Caesar in the way that people want me dead.”

It was funny enough, but all he got from me was a solemn nod.

“Hey, kid. This is the United States. There are limits on leadership.”

I sighed, probably adding a bit too much breath and frustration. It was out of character, but I felt like he was allowing for a drop in decorum, considering the circumstances.

            “Come on, Hemingway. You want me to be anti-gun guy? Pro-gun guy? Whatever the hell those things even mean.”

            “I don’t know policy,” I told him. “Don’t want to know. It’s just messed up. That guy’s dead. He was a loser, but I’m not convince he was all that crazy.”

            “You’re too nice, maybe. Or maybe you don’t see enemies.”

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

            “Don’t bite my head off, kid. Could be, this guy shouldn’t have threatened you. Shouldn’t have been there at all, being sad and armed.”

            “It’s what led up to that moment.”

            “A series of sad stories. I feel sorry for the kid’s family. Wish it hadn’t happened. Wish he’d never gotten his hands on that gun. Slipped through the cracks.”

            “Another glorious, fix-all platitude.”

            “I don’t know if this qualifies, but tonight, he was my enemy. Almost killed my guy.” Connell’s smile was controlled as he pointed at my chest. “And I think he was there to kill me.”

            “Yeah, he was. To be remembered, mostly.”

            “Is it okay if I call the guy that wants to kill me and my guy an enemy?”

            I took another drink. “Seems logical.”

Entry Six: Writers—Politics—Dark Thoughts

            Meeting Augusta Riser, it would be fair to see that I was woefully unprepared. It was one of those event storms, everyone engaged with something of vital importance. We were on every screen in the States, number one with a bullet, working for the guy that was good enough to kill, just one week after what’s his name’s ill-conceived attempt at Connell’s life. This meant my minions were busy. Hashing things out. Formulating jet-fueled messaging strategies for come what may or may not.

            Boiled down, there was no one to watch my back.

            I was sitting in a restaurant, thinking about Gail Frasier, doing my best not to requisition my phone for some insipid midday text salute. The sun was blasting through the chain restaurant against the cheap polished wood, redirecting hazy light through tacky snowy glass insignias. “Gail,” I mouthed, trying to find some comfort in one of the section’s four booths. Besides a uniformed middle-aged bartender who I couldn’t blame for giving up on life, I was the only one in the seat yourself section. Seventeen televisions. All but two were broadcasting tired video packages of teams that weren’t even in season, going over past seasons, talking about seasons to come and all the unprecedented that might transpire once again.

            Ridiculous programming for ridiculous people, unable to live in the moment, looking behind or ahead.

            A ridiculous observation for someone doing exactly the same thing. Stop with the woeful self-analysis. It was a hard ask. My situation had been compromised. Someone with the power to put me on the front page was threatening to do just that.

            Facing the front door was pointless, sun doing what it was, so my plan to take stock of Ms. Riser was in vain. She was on top of me before I had any chance at sizing her up.

            Whatever that might’ve done. What did I know of sizing people up?

            “Mr. Abbot,” she said. The suddenness gave me a jump too dramatic to play off.

            “Hello,” I said. “Hello.” My legs hit the table as I tried to rise. She had me trapped, blinking against the light and trying not to cry out in pain. My right knee exploding with pain.

            “Are you okay?” she asked, so concerned she couldn’t turn herself away from some invaluable treasure that seemed to be lodged in the bottom of her purse.

            “Old sports injury,” I managed, trying to give her an approximation of the truth with a face ridiculously red.

            “I thought you just took a knock,” she said, English Midlands accent coming to the fore.

            “You nailed it. That’s what happened. Man, it’s a really bright day.”

            “It might not remain that way.” She slipped into the booth opposite me and placed a notebook and recorder on the horrifyingly busy tabletop. It seemed she was big on right angles, making the corporate mess underneath stand all out the more.

            Her resolute manner and the searing in my knee precipitated in my calling over to Lonnie the time-worn bartender, asking for another drink. He went through the motions and brought over a full glass of something murky, asking the lady if she’d like anything.

            “Yeah. Would you?” I followed, awkwardly rubbing myself under the table. Sweat was forming on my brow, a result of holding back tears.

            Things weren’t going so well.

            And then she set down my novel, The Reasons Remaining, the only thing she’d brought that wasn’t lined up straight on the table.

            “Is the lack of alignment supposed to be symbolic?” I asked, making sure she took note of my chagrin.

            “You’re a pretty good writer, Harold. Especially when you know what you want to say. Suppose that’s the way of it, though.” 

            “Huh. Vague. Less than helpful, if I’m honest, though, I’ll take the trade. If you made it to the last page, that’s more than most people who endeavored the same. Coming from an award-winning journalist, maybe I should be flattered.”

            “Don’t be. I was an assessment fueled by politeness, mostly.”

            “Wow.”

            “Don’t get your overeducated knickers in a wad.”

            “Sure. No wadding.”

            “You obviously know what you’re about. The characters are good. Some are wonderful, actually, or something close to wonderful. I went back and forth about the theme.”

            “Debatable and multifaceted, as is most good literature.” The drink felt good in my throat. The idea of my book being the real deal felt good. But that was only an idea. It’s not like there was a litmus test. Some readout that says good literature. A writer has to have others say what a genius or moron he or she is. Or, maybe the writer’s moron enough to not care and get by on their sense of worth. I could choose to be either type, in theory, though my propensity for self-loathing and self-doubt had me firmly stationed in the former camp, awaiting early release by reason of late onset self-esteem.

            “I’ve written six myself.”

            “Books?”

            “Novels, Abbot.”
            “Not sure I’ve seen them in stores.”

            “You know you haven’t. If I publish a bloody novel, my writing career, making lots of money and getting over on big shots… it’ll be flushed down the shitter.”

            “Sounds complicated. I wouldn’t know.”

            “Wouldn’t you?”

            “To be clear, the moment you sat there and started organizing your knickknacks, we’ve been off the record. Is that something to be relied upon? Skip over the judgment about my naivety and lack of training in whatever the hell game you people call this.”

            Augusta showed me her phone to put me at ease that she wasn’t recording, adding a smile laced with mockery. It looked practiced, like mockery was her full-time gig and the writing thing was just something she did for vacation money.

            “Your teeth aren’t perfect,” I said. The moment the words came out, I closed my eyes and readied for a slap. Nothing happened. I lifted my lids to see that same smile.

            “Jesus, Abbot.”

            “I meant it as a compliment. The teeth thing.” It was true, though explaining it might prove difficult. Everyone I worked around had annoyingly perfect teeth. Beautiful Bridget and Connell, of course, but even the lowest of my Ivy League Minions. I’d always had pretty good teeth. Lucky. The Son of a Bitch wasn’t the type to take me to and fro to an orthodontist. The intrepid reporter looked to be rocking the natural look as well, and it didn’t stop with her mouth. Her light brown hair was hastily pulled up, leaving her high-cheekbones and the few lines on her forehead unobscured. Not much in the way of makeup, either. I was instantly a sucker for her eyes. They were almost too big for her face. Another way of saying perfect, like they could take in the whole world with one short gaze.

            “You need to stop staring, Abbot.”

            “Sorry.”

            “Here’s the deal. I know it was you. And I know what you do. How integral you are to the campaign.”

            “You’ll have to be more specific,” I said. I held up an unsteady finger as I went again for Lonnie’s concoction. It smarted. It wasn’t exactly top-shelf. Lonnie’s bar only the one.

            “Don’t fence. You wouldn’t have met if you weren’t already nailed. Dumb not to bring anyone. Whatever it is you’re good at, this isn’t it.”

            It was hard to know what exactly the journalist was referring to. My lack of backup, the fact that I was sweating profusely and drinking nervously—maybe she was referring to the ease in which she’d drawn me out. Two damn text messages and she had me feeling like a criminal.

            “I’m not a criminal,” I gulped.

            “No, you’re not a criminal. Well, maybe obstruction of justice, but that wouldn’t go anywhere. Especially if Connell wins. Do you think he’s going to win?”

            “Obstruction of justice? I’m a novelist.”

            “Harry, you’re a guy that’s been lying about a criminal investigation. Not divulging certain facts. I’m no expert, but that’s in the ballpark. Of course, there’s the affair that you’re covering up between Connell’s and his campaign manager, but there’s nothing criminal there. Just your old pedestrian seediness.”

            “It’s not my seediness. I didn’t do anything.”

            “You look like you did something. Trust me, I’m looking at you.”

            “Are we still off the record?”

            “We are until you say we’re not.”

            “If you want to print something, print this. Harry Abbot resigns from the Connell staff. You got me. No idea where you heard all this, but it won’t matter. I’m going to Europe.”

            “You can’t go to Europe, Harry.” Augusta Riser snapped her fingers in the grimy bartender’s direction, then made a signal with her hand. Apparently, it meant something in the realm of drink-making; Lonnie quickly got about his business.

            “Can go anywhere I damn please.” It wasn’t as defiant as I’d hoped. There was a good amount of trembling in my voice. Something like a kid willing to fight a losing battle with intractable parents. “This was the best damn job I ever had. Made more damn money than I’d ever made.”

            “Do you always get yourself hung up on a word like that?”

            “Sorry,” I said, putting my head down as Lonnie came over with something clear and dry for Ms. Riser. “There’s no doubt I have a gift with words, but writing is more my milieu. Talking is still a work in progress.”

            “Well, don’t worry. It’s nice to meet a man who can unironically praise and humble himself in the same sentence.”

            “Very funny.”

            “It is, actually. And it’s not unique or anything. All I do is meet smart people that hate themselves most of the time.”

            “Ever think you could be the common denominator in the second part?”

            She laughed, but only just. “There you go, Harold. Pretty stiff jab for an amateur pugilist.”

            “I’m not stupid.”

            “So, you’re not stupid. You’re not a criminal. Anything else you’re not? I can start writing things down whenever you give the go.”

            “Why are you doing this?” I asked her about as dry as a person could, the way I imagined a desiccated KGB agent would ask something to a prisoner in a blinding interrogation room somewhere in Siberia. The battle was getting to me, and I couldn’t win. “This is blackmail, right?”

            “No. But if you want me to keep that proper name of yours out of the papers, we’re going to have to open some lines of communication.”

            “So, it’s blackmail.”

            “Not important. Just know, I’m trying to help you. Whether you know or care, there’s something not right about Karl Connell. He’s going to ruin this country.”

            It was my turn for a just-so laugh. “This you come by through years studying politics and economics in journalism school? You read some tweets that didn’t agree with you?”

            “Are you saying you like this bloody buffoon?”

            Nobody had ever asked me before. A quick no was my first and natural instinct, but it didn’t go that way. The truth was, I was teetering toward affection for the man. More than teetering.

            And so I didn’t answer.

Augusta drank her entire glass and wiped her slightly-chapped lips with the sleeve of her blue blouse. “Okay then,” she said. “Either way, I just want to know the odd bit here and there. Nothing a big-brained American writer can’t handle.”

            Maybe I was sinking deeper, even sitting there. At this point, there was no way to know. She was Bobby Fischer and I was Spassky’s brain dead second cousin that no one in the family liked to talk about.

            “If I’m wrong about him, stay in the game. Protect him. You’ll be protecting yourself. Ride this thing out, and maybe you can go back to what you wanted. Be a real writer.”

            She knew too much. My eyes went left and right, trying to recall every face and name in the campaign. It could’ve been anyone.

            “A real writer like you,” I said, sinking even lower.

            She lowered her guard for a minute. “I like to see my thoughts on a screen. On a piece of paper. Something about it. That act of transfer.”

            “I know what you mean. Like that phrase as well. Act of transfer.”

            “Probably pinched it from some nerdy chap like you.”

            “No doubt.”

            “How old are you?” I asked.

            “Thirty-two. Sixteen months older than you, Harry. Is it Harry or Harold?”

            “Either. Friends call me Abbie, actually. The few I have.”

            “A few more than me, Abbie,” she said, lighting up a cigarette, blowing it in Lonnie’s direction as he pointed anemically to a No Smoking sign. “Always found friends to be a hinderance.”

            I felt like a summation, like she was offering me the chance to have a go. Clearing my throat: “We’re both a couple of assholes, too many notions and not enough time on the clock to know if they matter or mattering is even possible. Deciding the fate of the world without all the information, just like all the assholes that came before.”

            “It’s pretty good. Not sure about the asshole bit. But still.”

            “Thanks.”

            “And you already know this, but quoting from your own novel is sort of disgusting.”

            “Afraid I’m clutching in the dark when it’s down to clever. This is my third drink.”

            We sat under her cloud of smoke and tried to ready for an admonishing visit from Lonnie. “To being an asshole,” I said, raising my murky glass, not as high as the first time.

            I didn’t notice at first when she lifted her chin for a look over my shoulder. I turned to see a swaggering frame heading in our direction, dressed in cheap suit pants and a tie made of something other than silk. Figured him for something like sales, making his own hours and taking in a long lunch. Eh.

            “Have I seen you before on TV or something?” he asked, stopping square to our booth. Looking out the side of one eye, it was clear I was a non-entity.

            It was safe to assume she would dispatch the kid sharply, leaving him with a stiff lesson and flagging ego in need of healing and reassessment.

            Then again.

            “You might’ve,” she said, batting her eyes. It was the first time I’d ever noticed a woman batting her eyes. Batting eyes were a myth until that moment. I was buzzed from Lonnie’s pour and starting to get ticked off in a prehistoric sort of way. Sitting there, taking her abuse, then this kid walks over and gets an open door and the four stars. “My name’s Augusta. I’m a writer, but I do a lot of TV.”

            “I knew it,” the kid said, taking a confident pose with crossed arms, one hand raised up to play with his chin hair. “You’re like, a big deal. I should’ve known your name right off.” He followed the comment with a manufactured laugh.

I officially hated him.

  He shot out a hand to Ms. Riser and said his name was Reece Naples like it meant something more than three annoying syllables, still unwilling to acknowledge that she was sitting with another man.

“Hi, Reece.” Rather than meet his hand, she held hers out to be taken. In the span of fifteen seconds I’d seen a predator morph into a fawn. “You should meet my friend Harold.”

            “Hey buddy,” he said, still holding her hand. “Nice to see you.”

            I found myself unable to return the greeting with anything more than a mumble. Nice to see you? He hadn’t seen me at all. Ms. Riser’s Jane Austen routine had him transfixed. The entire exhibition was absurd and done to rile me, though being armed with the knowledge had me playing the role of cannon fodder all the same.

            “Tell him what you do, Harold,” she said.

            There it was. She was using Reece Naples as a living example. A test of my pliability. We sat there on pause until I made the next move. “Reece, we’re in the middle of something. Nice meeting you but get lost.”

            Since leaving the ugly bosom of my broken home, it was the most confrontational thing I’d ever done. The kid was rightly offended and straightened his posture.

            “Whatever’s on your mind to do, leave it alone. Ms. Riser doesn’t want to talk to you. She’s a shit person and you’re nothing in her eyes. Trust me on this.”

            “Pretty sure she’s digging me, bro. How about you be the one to leave?” His toes hit the baseboard below my seat. “Maybe I kick your ass outside. That sound good?”

            It actually entered my mind to take him up on it. Hitting something might be therapeutic, though the exchange would most likely end with me with taking a beating. “Fine, kid. Lead the way.”

            As I started to get up, Ms. Riser grabbed young Mr. Naples by the arm. “You really should piss off, Reece. I don’t have time for this.”

            “I thought…”

            “You’re an attractive lad. Might be good for a five minute shag in the lieu. But I don’t have five minutes. Find a nice farm girl somewhere. Imagine you’re top draw stuff in these parts.”

            “Just let me take care of this guy.” Reece wasn’t getting the message. He’d been listening, but to him the only part worth hearing was the bit about five minutes in the bathroom. A cause worth fighting for, apparently.

            “Please go.” She blew smoke in his face and looked over to Lonnie. The bartender had been watching the scene play out and already had a phone raised to his withered face. “Sir, would you mind calling the police? Our mate here is making threats.”

            “If you put out the cigarette.”

            “Of course. Apologies for the bad form.”

            “Last chance to bugger off,” said the reporter, putting her cigarette in my drink.

            Reece appeared to be well and truly confused. “Get out of here man. Really, I’m asking nicely.”

            “You people are fucked up,” he said, turning away with his hands up. Lonnie held up the phone with his thumb out like a bomber threatening to press the trigger.

            “We’re okay. Thanks so much. Lonnie, isn’t it?” She clasped her hand together an bowed her head at him.

            “Just behave yourselves. I don’t need this shit.”

            “Right you are. We’ll be leaving a healthy tip.”

            I turned around to make sure young Mr. Naples had conceded in earnest, then nodded apologetically at Lonnie. “We’ll get out of your hair, sir. Really sorry.”

            “That was bloody well interesting. Would you have had a proper go if I hadn’t stepped in?”

            “It’s been a few years since Oxford. I’m not sure what you mean by proper go.”

            “Got stuck in. Put your man down.”

            “I was trying to spare the kid from your witchcraft is all.”

            “Good on you, then.” She picked up my book and opened it wide before turning it my direction. The margins were full of notes. Words circled. Underlined passages.

            “Speaking of stuck in,” I said, acknowledging the display.

            “That’s the way I do things, Harold. Abbie.”

            “It’s probably too much to ask for an honest answer, but what else were you trying to get out of that situation?”

            She leaned back and set the novel down, this time square with the rest of her things. “I’ve been in and amongst it, Abbot. Head down in battles. Refugee camps. Seen shite that would pass as over the line in the Middle Ages.”

            “I want to follow what you’re getting at, but…”

            “When things matter, it’s important to know who you’re dealing with, quick and first-hand. To know as much as possible. You’re about a bit of spine, not such a bad sort. Also, you’ll play ball, long as I’m reasonable.”

“Already come to that conclusion?”

“You didn’t want that kid knowing your story. Preferred a fight to it.”

            “Gleaned quite a bit.”

            “That’s right. Keep in mind I know what you did in Kentucky to stop that bloody shooter. And that your ass was kicked shortly before. In a bar. In this very town.”

            “So what?”

            “So, what I heard was accurate. Oliver Andrews didn’t give you a chance, otherwise you would’ve at least defended yourself.”

            A dark thought started growing in my brain, but it wasn’t whole. I started to take a drink for a moment’s respite before she reminded me of the drowned cigarette butt. “I’ll go get us a few more. See if I can’t make nice with Master Lonnie.”

  My heart was racing. Hands shaking. It was hard to pinpoint the cause, but one of three. Either the row with the young Mr. Naples, the fact that I was going behind my candidate’s back, or that dark thought still lodging a place in my mind.

            “It’s not the end of the world,” she said.

            I took the drink and decided the day was officially lost. As long as I wanted to be the great artist, it was a jam with no clear out. Not yet. Time to think. Time to be strategic, and not just with words for someone else’s teleprompter. She saw me like the kid, a tool to be used. I’d have to find a way to use her.

            I had a swallow of fresh murk. The dark thought from before was starting to unpack its luggage upstairs and take up a full-time residency. “So, who’s Gail Frasier?” I asked. “And how long has she been working for you?”

Entry Seven: Keane—Burn—Help

            After the meeting with Augusta Riser, it was clear I needed assistance. I left with a thousand things on my mind and a thousand things that needed doing. There was one obvious choice to supplement my insufficient efforts, and painful as it was, I made the call.

            “Well, look at this guy. No time for your worthless older brother anymore. I’m guessing little Harry-nuts is in trouble.”

            I closed my eyes and allowed the frigid Wisconsin air to attack my senses while he sang the wrong words to the chorus of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.” There was no point interrupting. It had been a long time and I’d declined more calls from him than I could remember.

            Finally, a lull.

            “So, where are you these days?”

            “WHITE-HOT-SPOTLIGHT-YOU-HAD-TO-SOMETHING-SOMETHING-BIG-SHOT-LAST-NIGHT!”

            “I deserved that.”

            “Ah, my baby brother. What’s going on with you? I’m glad you’re alive, but sort of disappointed. My feelings are complicated, you might say. Though you’d probably say it with bigger words.”

            “Don’t be dramatic.”

            “Seriously. I haven’t heard your voice since that book of yours came out.”

            “Sorry, Keane. Really. Things have been weird. I’m not just saying that.”
            “It’s okay, kid. I’m not hurt.” His tone was too compassionate. I readied for something harsh. “To be honest, after some time passed, figured you killed yourself. They say it’s the coward’s way out, but I wasn’t about to blame you. If it was me who’d written that piece of crap, probably I wouldn’t have seen a way out either.”

            There it was.

            “But it’s great that you’re alive and everything. I’m sure it makes someone out there very happy.”

            “Are you still with Francine?”

            “Ouch. I was just playing around, but if you wanna get rough.”

            “Seriously, Keane. I’m asking because I need your help. Yes, just like you said. And let me save us both some time. I’m a shit little brother, ungrateful, horrible, unloving, soulless, and irredeemable in every way. My perdition is a foregone conclusion.”

            “That’s not bad. Why couldn’t your book have more stuff in it like that? Damn thing was a beating.”

            “So, Francine’s?”

            “She hit me with an iron. Another scar. No big deal, except that it left a big where my beautiful eyebrow can’t grow.”

            “How’d you let that happen?”

            “I was hurt after she burned my ass cheek with it.”

            “She got a lot of mileage out of that thing.”

            “No kidding,” he said, sounding muffled. I could tell he was lighting up a cigarette. “She took it when she left me. Funny thing is, never once do I remember that woman ironing anything.”

            We both started laughing. Francine had gone and come back before, but this time a feeling of permanence seeped through the line. Keane didn’t seem to have the fight to get her back. Hard to blame him. A frigging iron? It was hard to know if he was serious. I could write, but he could tell a tale. We could talk about it later. “Are you on a job?”

            “Just about wrapping. Been in Arizona for two months. Sucks down here.”

            “I really can’t go into it on the phone, but can you be in Milwaukee by tonight? I’ve got work for you. The money’s good.”

            “Wisconsin? Just like that? Unbelievable. You’re an unbelievable little bastard.”

            “Could be several months, steady. And I’ll throw twenty grand a month. I can transfer the first payment right now.”

            “It’s clear you’ve landed yourself in some industrial-weight bullshit.”

            “Nothing illegal or dangerous. Not really.”

            “Twenty grand a month…”

            “I need you, brother. Need you quick, though. Things move fast here.”

            “I’ve heard that about Wisconsin.”

            “What’s your answer?”

            “Send the money, I’m on a plane. This job better not piss me off.”

            “I can’t promise anything.”

            “Aw. Don’t start telling the truth now.”

            “So, you’re on the way?”

            “You’re gonna have to give it until tonight, kid. They don’t run the Flagstaff to Milwaukee shuttle every quarter hour.”

            “I’ve tried to find better ways to say it, but in the end, you’re just an unpleasant person.”

            “Call you when I land, Nutsack.”

                                            ____________________________

            “Harold? Why’s it so dark in here, handsome? Wow. I guess the campaign’s booking suites for you now. Must be moving up in the world.”

            “And you’re moving down. Sit at the table, Ms. Frasier. Move slow, little lady. That’s right. Drape your coat over the chair. No sudden moves. I’m not the kind you want spooked.”

            “Who are you? Where’s Harold? Why are you talking like that?”

            “Harold’s ain’t a face you’re ever going to see again. Hey. Maybe you have a short memory. I told you to sit down.”

            “Why are you sitting in the shadows? It’s scaring me.”

            “You should be scared. The Lord doesn’t like it when you go around lying to people. Harold doesn’t like it. Most important, I don’t like it.”

            “That’s the last question you get to ask. The clock on my sweet disposition just ran out.”

            “Who—”

            “I’m going to stop you right there, because who sounds like the beginning of another question. This will take three minutes or less. Open ears and closed mouth, nothing bad will happen. If I wanted you out of commission permanently, already would’ve happened. Lucky for you, this Harold fella is a soft touch. Go on now. Take that chair.”

            “She ratted me out. Augusta, that bitch.”

            “Easy.”

            “She’s got some balls. Got to give her that.”

            “Are you going to sit?”

            “You got a gun, Bogart? Sorry, a piece?”

            “What’d I say about questions…”

            “Might as well shoot. Because if you don’t, I’ll catch up with you. My next two stops will be Augusta Riser and that pussy Harold Abbot.”

            “That’s enough, Ms. Frasier.”

            “Maybe I go sing a song to the papers. They’ll be some asshole with a laptop out there, some wimp like Harry that’ll want to write what I know about the great Karl Connell, family man. That he gets his talking points refined by a two-bit novelist who couldn’t explain to me what social security was.”

            “You’re cold, lady.”

            “I do what I have to do to survive. Connell was just a gig.”

            “You’re not bad, looking at your history.”

            “What do you mean, my history?”

            “On the table you’ll find your laptop.”

            “You went in my house?”

            “Yeah. You’re a criminal, and now you’ve had your own wares purloined. It ain’t the oldest story ever told, but it’s close.”

            “This was all encrypted.”

            “I’ve got a thumb drive in my pocket that says it wasn’t encrypted too good. Lindsay Perch from Buffalo. Or is it Shayna Rosen from Sacramento? We can go down the list or just agree that you’re completely full of whatever the kids are calling shit these days.”

            “Who are you?”

            “None of your business, cutie pie. Just know that if you don’t disappear and stay quiet about Abbot, a lot of your unsolved crimes get moved over to the closed column. I’ve got friends in every department, from here to wherever you want to take your chances.”

            “I should’ve known Abbot would get nervous. What I get for picking a fag for a mark. I should’ve picked the pollster. The one with the muscles.”

            “Take your computer and go. Go somewhere nice, and hey, maybe change the attitude. Get married, steal from someone the way God intended.”

            “So that’s it?”

            “Unless you want to be on the line when I call your ex-partner. The one serving time for a crime you committed. Sure the rest of the drug-pushers in his happy family would love to know you’re still out there screwing guys for information.”

            “Trust me. That was work.”

            “Go on. Take the burn and walk. Don’t let me catch your act again.”

            As the lights came on, I took sheepish steps into the room. I’d been sitting on a large bed in the dark, suffering through “Gail’s” conversation with my brother.

            Keane stood up from a little circular table by the window, hands in the air like he sort of cared about stopping oncoming traffic. “Look, everybody gets like that when they’re burned.”

            “She was so mean. How about a warning? You knew it was going to get like that.”

            “Well,” Keane said, scratching his dense salt and pepper scruff, “bad people suck. Don’t take it personally.”

            “Why did you insist on my listening in? It was like getting punched in the balls. A lot.”

            “Yeah. Like I said. She wasn’t a very nice person.”

            “But she was.”

            “No, little brother. There are bad people in the world. I’m not talking about some guy that cheated on a test at Stanford.”

“I didn’t go there.”

“Not the point. Bad people is what I’m saying. We called one of them our father. That Gail bitch was a liar and you’re…”

            “A pussy.”

            “I didn’t say that. By the way, all that sex stuff, wouldn’t worry about it. Chalk it up to a woman scorned thing. Maybe you can use it in your next book.”

            “I don’t think so.”

“How come? Aren’t you supposed to use life experiences?”

“It’s about a woman who defies the conventions of her upbringing and loves a man unconditionally, even after he’s diagnosed with a terminal illness.”

            “Gotcha,” Keane said, pouring three little bottles of blended scotch into one of the hotel glasses at the same time. “Might be hard to work this scene in.”

            I landed in the seat across from the one he’d been using during his encounter with “Gail.” He tipped the glass upside down and let out a childlike sound of satisfaction as he finished. “So, this is awesome,” he said. “I’m actually kind of proud of you. Finally got a real job. Writing for money. Never in a million years.”

            It was hard to know what to say to Keane. Always had been. He was smart and strange. Smarter than me in most ways. Perhaps just as strange. My brother wasn’t technically a criminal, but he worked on the fringes. He had a code, but it wasn’t always easy to define from the outside. Hard for me to judge; whenever an admonishing thought tried to nest in my head, I did my best to force it out.

He was my savior. That was the truth of it.

Things went sideways for him when he went a little too far with our father. Keane was just defending me from the Son of a Bitch. It was loud and brutal. The neighbors called the cops. When they showed, he couldn’t calm down in time. Busted an officer’s jaw. Accident. Sad story. He went to juvey, the Son of a Bitch took off for good, and I ended up living in foster care until my grandfather found out. It took some time to track the old guy down. Whole other sad story.

With Keane, anytime I tried to apologize or breech the topic of his teenage struggles, he’d shrug it off or make a joke. When it came to the present, however, he was a ballbreaker of the highest order.  

            “Hey,” he said, standing over me in a way that made me feel like a kid again. “That face.”

            “What face?”

            “Weight of the world. That face. God, it’s depressing.”

            “You didn’t have to sit there listening to that. Depressing, sure. Embarrassing might be a better word for it.”

            “What are you doing here, little brother?”

            “Working for Connell. It was supposed to be one thing, now it’s another. Can’t say for sure.”      

            “Yeah. If only we could kill that artist inside you.”

            “Wish I could, Keane.”

            “Highly unlikely. I read an article. Something about brain wiring. Once a guy hits a certain age, it’s basically impossible to change.”

            I couldn’t help but laugh.

            “What’s so funny, asshole?”

            “A couple things. Mostly, picturing you reading an article on the brain.”

            “Come on, you know I totally made that up.”

            “Figured as much.”

            “Still bummed about the chick?”

            “It’s been five seconds, but sure, I’m getting over it. Any more of that scotch, or did you kill the minibar?”

            “There’s a good lad. Plenty left.”

            “By the way,” I said, watching him rifle through overpriced alcohol, “I had the same question she did.”

            He turned, four little bottles in each hand. “What’s that?”

            “The voice. The whole schtick. It sounded like a dame and a gumshoe in here. Completely ridiculous.”

            He smiled wide. It made me smile. “Remember that wrinkled book the Son of a Bitch used to read us when we were kids? Right before he fell all the way down the bottle.”

            “I didn’t until just now. What was that?”

            “Some shitty detective story. Set in the thirties or forties. I liked the way they talked. Figured I’d have some fun, play this thing like that. Noir. That what they call that dumb shit?”

            “Why not,” I answered, knowing he didn’t care one way or the other. I’m just glad you enjoyed yourself.”

            “Don’t whine. Drink.” He handed me a glass full enough to get lead me down the dark. “What was the name of that stupid book?”

            “The Killer Downriver.”

            “Yes. Good memory. What a title. Here’s to that asshole. Glad they caught him. That book was graphic as all hell.”

            As we toasted, I allowed myself an audible scoff. “We were in elementary school.”

            “Really was a great upbringing.”

            “I’m glad you came, Keano. Not sure what to do. About anything.”

            “Here to help, little brother. Here to help.”  

Entry Eight: Basketball—Beautiful—Note

            The makeshift campaign office was livelier and abuzz with more dissonance than a boiler room full of cocaine-fueled stock traders. The amount of people involved in the Connell circus multiplied daily. Our guy was supposed to be longshot long gone, but there he was. And so… there I was. “What city are we in?” I asked my brother. He was sitting with his feet up, looking through the blinds of my little office, presumably to check out the female staffers just out of college.

            “Come on,” he muttered, still with his nose against the glass. “Just copy and paste. Even I know how to do that.”

            “What city, Keane? And stop checking out tail. You’re a married man, for God’s sake.”

            He pointed to the missing hair over his left eye. A reminder of his ongoing domestic situation. “We’re in Topeka, dumbass.”

            “Think I need new glasses.” I leaned forward and clicked on a spreadsheet Beautiful Bridget had tailored specially for me. It was organized as sort of a guide to help the writing process. When she first sent it, I told her it might come in handy; a fairly vacant thankful that turned out to be a total lie. Without the guide, I’d know nothing.

            “Topeka’s in Kansas,” Keane said, peeling himself from his observation deck and moving to school cafeteria chair in front of my desk.

            “Obviously. Kansas.”

            “The idea is to write it up special for the good people of wherever it is you are?” he asked.

            “That’s the general idea, brother. We have a message that runs through every speech. I like to think of it as a theme. But there’s a lot going on in the story. Side characters. Specific encounters that tie back into the main plot. Similar to writing a novel. That might just be my way, but frankly, I don’t have any other methods. This isn’t wasn’t what I was trained to do.”

            “You’re getting trained up now,” my brother said, leaning back into the suffering plastic seat, “that was more than I wanted to know, by the way.”

            “Farm subsidies,” I mumbled.

            “That should be a rousing addition to the narrative.”

            “It’s a job, Keano. It’s paying for that watch you’re wearing, by the way.”

            He stood up, held out his arm and shook his wrist. “Don’t bust balls. I’ve never been able to afford a Rolex.”

            “Yeah. Rolex’s are sweet, aren’t they?”

            He pulled his arm back and held the timepiece under his chin, looking down on it like Gollum. It was more than enough to send a shiver down my sweaty, tight spine. When he stopped muttering love to his shiny object, he noticed me shaking my head.

            “Ah, shut up, Harry. Jealousy is disgusting.”

            I told him with all possible smugness that he was witnessing my sad face. Not my jealous face.

            “Forget subsidies. Wyatt Earp. Basketball.”

            “What now?”

            “No, forget Wyatt Earp. That guy had sort of a checkered story. Definitely basketball.”

            I held up my hands.

            “You can’t have your boy go out there and not talk about basketball. Just a line or two but trust me. Frigging Kansas. Basketball. It’s religion around here. Just don’t say Jayhawks or Wildcats. Might split the crowd.”

            “This is serious, Keane. I get that all you can see is your little brother typing bullshit, but there are things that actual human people care about. It was surprising to me, too, but as a favor try warming to the concept.”

            “Name all the major pro sports teams in Kansas.” Rare. He was standing straight, looking far too dignified. An obvious precursor to my embarrassment.

            “Don’t know any, and before you try and prove what a moron I am, I’ll say it for you. Sports aren’t my thing.”

            “STD’s aren’t my thing, but I can name many of them.”

            The door burst open and slammed shut. It was uncanny how fast everything in the office became obviously disgusting. Beautiful Bridget. Nothing living or dead had a chance against her glorious, radiating presence. There was one healthy small potted plant on the desk; now it seemed but a desiccating spore.

            Keane shuffled back to the corner, now less satisfied with his watch. She took the cheap seat and crossed her legs. Don’t leave your mouth open. Don’t jiggle the change in your pants. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t be a frigging idiot. You’re an idiot. Don’t be an idiot.

            “You can sit down, Harry.” She smiled. Teeth so white. Don’t be an idiot. “Honestly, we’ve known each other long enough. Stop being so formal.” Another smile. Enough to blind most mortals.

            It was a disturbing trend, this warmth from Beautiful Bridget. Another damn impediment for the list. There was a chalkboard in my mind, one like I used to use during lectures at Oxford. Reasons This Job Is Ridiculous. Obviously, internal objections. Total lack of desire to be in politics. Feeling like an idiot every waking minute. Being lied to and spied upon. Getting blackmailed.

            And now this warmth. It didn’t make sense. It was growing in intensity. It was starting to feel like something more than simple warmth. Don’t be a frigging idiot.

            “How’s it coming?” she asked, clasping her delicate hands together at the knee.

            “It?”

            “Tonight’s speech, Harry.” She laughed slightly. “We can talk about your personal life later, I suppose.” A relaxed glance back at my brother in the corner. God, he looked like such a moron. “Afraid right now I’m talking about the speech.”

            “It’ll get there. It… always seems to.”

            “I know it does.” She did a thing with her hair, curling the end of a wavy strand with her fingers. “And I know what you’re thinking. You’re right.”

            “Really?”

            “Yes.”

            “Okay.”

            “But being in charge, one has to put on appearances.”

            At that point, I was at sea. In a sea that had never been charted. No dragons, no rising sun. Just beguiled, helpless me. Figured it was time to come clean. “Bridget, can I say something?”

            “Of course, Harry.”

            “It’s great that you stopped in,” I started, trying to focus on anything but her face. Another glimpse of my brother. God, he looked like such a moron. “Have to say, I’m a little bit lost. Not that you’re beguiling or confusing or anything like that. Not at all. Maybe it’s the hours. Could be I’m getting older. Maybe I should try vitamins.”

            “You look fine to me, Harry.” She stood up. I did the same. “There you go again, being so polite.”

            “Sorry.”

            “I was saying that these visits aren’t necessary. The pollsters, the fundraisers, they all need watching. The one constant is you. Exceptional work, every time. Just that if I don’t come in once in awhile, it might make people talk. Scuttlebutt of special treatment can be disruptive to the team.”

            “Of course.” One weight had lifted. I understood something. “Makes total sense. Complete and total sense.”

            She did a half turn and stopped, looking at my idiot brother and then back at me. “This is Keane, right?”

            “My brother. He’s been helping me out. One of the smartest people there is.”

            “Of course. And just as cute. The two of you are almost twins.”

            “We’ve met,” Keane said. A simple statement. It came out like he was pleading for his life. 

            Beautiful Bridget pulled down her business suit jacket and made the rest of the way to the door, thousand-dollar heels punching holes in the sad carpet. “By the way,” she said, “maybe throw in a couple lines about basketball. Add to the hometown feel of the message. Only…”

            “Don’t single out the Jayhawks or the Wildcats.” As soon as I said it, whatever pride I had left dissipated.

            “See? You’re the one constant, Harold Abbot.”

            As she walked out, one of the minions came in. He wore a wrinkled shirt and a tie that looked like it doubled as a napkin. Harvard. “Boss, someone left this note for you.”

            “See who it was?”

            “Nope.”

            The minion was out the door before further inquiries could be made. Keane returned to the cafeteria chair. “Wow.”

            “Don’t start.”

            “That whole thing was horrifying. That woman had you—tell me, Thesaurus. I’m looking for some synonyms for pathetic.”

            It must’ve been obvious to Keane that brotherly snipes were off the table for the moment. My eyes were latched to the wrinkled note in my hand. I passed it to him, shaking. “Go get that minion. Whatever he’s doing, bring him back.”

            Keane turned serious when he read the note: We know you’ve been talking to Augusta Riser. End it.

            “Get that kid in here, Keano. Do it quiet, please.”

            “You got it.”

            It was about thirty seconds before my brother returned with the minion. Thirty seconds and a billion fragmented thoughts. Nothing coherent or helpful. We braced the kid for more information on the person who had left the dark missive. If he’d read it. When he said no, there wasn’t any choice but to believe him. For the next hour, Keane weaved his way through the desks, asking vague questions in an attempt to ascertain something concrete about the note’s deliverer.

            “I must’ve said let’s keep this between us about fifty times out there,” he said upon his return. I’d been working on Connell’s speech while he carried out his surreptitious investigation. It was completely unusable. It read like an essay on the advantages of basketball for everyday American working men and women.

            “Nothing?”

            “Pretty much, brother. Nothing at all from the worker bees out there. Tell you another thing. This office has garbage in the way of CCTV.” He held out his phone. “I think this is our guy, though.” Keane played a security video of a man walking in and leaving in the span of fifteen seconds. It was taken from the lone camera pointed down outside the campaign headquarters’ door. “It’s obvious, but I’ll say it anyway. Guy was wearing a nondescript jacket, hood up, dark glasses. The girl at the front doesn’t remember him. I’m guessing she was on the phone or making copies or something. It was left.”

            “Did she read it?”

            “Easy. The kid’s so busy, she didn’t even know it existed until I started asking. You’re good, far as now. They’ve got one of those group cases of tunnel vision out there. I’m pretty sure a bomb could go off and that lot would still be taking money from poor people still holding out hope.”            

            I asked him straight. “What the hell do we do here? It’s a threat.”

            “Not exactly,” he said. “Pretty much, but I’d call more like a warning.”

            “Keane.”

            “It depends on you, little brother.”

            “Meaning what?”

            “I’m gonna say a few things, and I want a promise you won’t freak out. Not at first, anyway.”

            “Fine.”

            “All this, the spotlight and the noise, imagine it feels like you’re smack dab at the center of the world. Everything life and death and that sort of thing.”

            My teeth were grinding. Keane’s preamble was just about enough to make me go back on my word.

            He continued. “But it’s a note, Harry. Doubt it was FSB or Mossad. They’re usually about using a little more encouragement. Probably just some guy. And—before you ask how he could know about you and the reporter, take it easy. I’m going to find out. That’s what I’m here for. In the meantime, take a breath and do me a favor. Tell me why you don’t do one of two things. Can I say the two things?”

            “Go ahead.”

            “Meet with this Riser lady and tell her to screw. Tell her to out you to the world. Oh no. What can she say? You’re writing speeches for some guy. The thing with the gunman in the theater, tell her to print it. Worst thing that happens is you come out looking like a hero. Maybe the rest of the assholes here deny it and fire you, but that’s probably worst case.”

            “Or?”

            “Second option is you go straight to that smoking hot Bridget lady and tell her the truth. You’re getting hit up for information by some jerk reporter. Admit it. The whole nasty truth, which, guess what, ain’t that nasty. You haven’t given her anything that matters.”

            “Those are the two things?” I asked.

            “Maybe they lack elegance, but enough is enough. You’re all wound up. Even before the note. I’ve been witness to some hardcore hand jitters. At some point you’re going to have to get to deciding.”

            “Deciding?”

            “Who you want to be, little brother.”

            “Maybe we could wait a little. I’ll try to avoid Augusta, duck her calls. In the meantime, see if you can track down this guy or whoever he’s with.”

            Keane sighed. “Or, we could do that. For the record, it’s probably a bad idea. Mostly, because it wasn’t either of my two ideas.”

            “Any thoughts on where to start looking?” I asked.

            “Where are we?”

            “Topeka.”

            “Really. We’re still in Kansas? Thought that was earlier.”

            “Kansas.”

            “I can call some people. Lucky for you, I know degenerates in every part of our fair land.” He put the note in his jacket pocket and came around the desk to give me a brotherly smack on the shoulder. “Guess I’ll get to it,” he grunted, glancing at my computer screen before walking toward the door. “Looks like you’ve got a way to go with that speech.”

            When the door closed, I felt lonely in a way I couldn’t remember. A lot, coming from me. It was mostly white on the screen in front of me. The cursor blinked steady, taunting the idiot sitting in the chair to do his stupid job. I deleted everything I’d written so far. Nothing but twaddle. 

            Frigging basketball.

Entry Nine: Debates—Greta—Dead

            Two weeks later. I was still rolled up in the inertia along with everyone else, watching one candidate after the other drop out of the race. Our success was primarily down to the recent debates. Connell was turning out to be quite deft on stage, fighting off flinty questions from moderators with dubious expressions, contending admirably with personal jabs from the other politicians. Me and my crew of minions were proving our mettle, I have to concede. Beautiful Bridget would hand us a list of possible questions that might be thrown his way, and we’d take him through what to say and how to say it. There was growing acrimony between myself and the underlings; as the weeks rolled on, it became ever more obvious that they all were far more qualified to be on the staff. Every single one had fat political resumes degrees in law or government or both. Only Connell and I were lacking the standard pelts on the wall, so when arguments erupted on how to frame an answer or rebuttal, it drove them crazy when his seismic gesticulations slowed and he eventually settled at last on my opinion. Most of the time I was just changing a word or two or offering a slightly different take on the aggressiveness or passivity of his delivery.

            Like I said, it drove people crazy. All save Greta Fielding, one of the later editions to our communications staff. She seemed to have a genuinely decent attitude and an honest, forthright approach. I noticed her lack of sycophancy when I came back into the room after a prolonged and unsuccessful bathroom break. My stomach was still in knots and the atmosphere was boiling over with inflated egos and overwrought intellects. The question had something to do with taxes, an area Connell wasn’t polling particularly well in. I’d previously suggested more nuanced language when faced with the all-important but completely boring subject matter. Greta rose to her feet and decided to throw in with me, noting that we’d won the previous debate with my so-called pedestrian approach.  Her phrasing hurt my feelings a bit, sure, but it wounded the pride of two Yale grads named Hale the Fourth and Hunter the Second even more.

            That was the first time I really took note of Greta, besides a fleeting look up from my notepad or a terse mumbled hello as I passed her through the hall. We were beginning to find a real rapport as one day followed another. While we sat prepping for a speech in Colorado in which Connell would roll out his infrastructure plan in more detail, I found myself more exhausted than usual, guard down. She started asking questions that everyone on staff had been told not ask.

            “Why don’t you want the spotlight?” Her query came in the middle of a three-hour writing session, like she could sense I was aching for a break. “It’s kind of a weird non-disclosure to sign. ‘I shall not divulge the name of the man running around with the uncombed hair.’”

            I looked up from my rock: Beautiful Bridget’s binder. We had taken over a middle school classroom, using a teacher’s desk named Mrs. Reyna to lay out all the relevant materials. “You’re very blunt,” I said, smiling wryly as I set down my sweaty glasses. I still needed new ones.

            “I try to be.”

            “Give me a little of your story, and I’ll give you some of mine.” The second it came off my lips, I knew it sounded a tad flirty. Hard to blame myself. After plodding over infrastructure, almost any comment was bound to have a taste of come-hither.

            Greta tugged her thick-rimmed turtle shell glasses tight to her petite heart-shaped face and set her pen down deliberately, like she was using the time and some secret power to slow down our little corner of the world. “Fair enough.” With the loud public-school heater laboring in the background, I got to hear some of the Greta Fielding story. Born to wealthy parents and lofty expectations, she put her head down and made the grades, through prep schools right through undergrad and law school. She was Law Review at Harvard, but the way she said it gave me the impression that it wasn’t something she took a great deal of pride in. The fact that she’d met with success at every point along her journey wasn’t surprising; Greta was smarter than I could ever be, and she worked harder than any two of the Hales or Hunters running around.

            “Am I sensing some resentment?” I couldn’t help but ask. With someone else, it might’ve soured the mood. She took it in stride, almost as if she’d been setting me up for it.

            “Nobody with my trust fund should ever be resentful,” she said, “though I’m not inoculated from the normal human stuff. There’s whining that could be done.”

“Really? I have a hard time thinking you ever a whiner. Figure you exited the womb with a firm-set jaw.”

“That’s because you don’t know me well enough. There’s the wanting another path whine. The feeling like I was hatched in a laboratory solely to succeed and carry on the Fielding legacy and empire whine.” After a little more banter, the conversation moved back toward real things. I found out that she’d been married for a year while finishing law school, that the guy had turned out to be violent.

            “You didn’t take time off after all that? I’m so sorry. It sounds horrible.”

            “It was, but the finish line was right there. And to hell with him. He doesn’t get to throw me off course. Any diversions will be my choosing.”

            “So, how’d you end up here?” I asked, leaning back in Mrs. Reyna’s creaky wooden chair, hoping to steer things away from the checkered and the tragic. Not that I didn’t care, but it was late in an endless train of long days. Eyes slumping was no way to hear someone when they were dishing out unadulterated history. She was happy enough to take the hint.

            “My mom and dad have always been thick with Mr. Connell. Friends and business partners. I’ve known him since I was a little kid. I was working with one of the other candidates until he dropped out. Figured why not come over here and see what the magic formula was.” As she finished her sentence, she pointed playfully at me with her pinky.

            “There’s obviously nothing magic about me,” I laughed. “Spending any amount of time on all this policy stuff should have you well and truly disabused of that notion.”

            “You like him more than you thought,” she followed. “It bothers you, but you do. He probably knew you’d fall for him.”

            “What now?”

            “You know what I’m saying. He’s got an enamoring aspect. No sense denying it. Hell, he could win this whole thing. Nobody wants to vote for the other party, and the polls are holding firm. I’ve gone through this before. Sometimes you get all the right people with all the right pedigrees, and in the end, nothing. Dead before it starts. Not the case with this show.”

            “Exciting, is it?”

            “Not if he doesn’t keep going.”

            I rubbed my floating eyes, not bothering to hide a sigh of frustration. Somehow, the idea of disappointing all the people that had held fast to Karl Connell had never really concerned me. It was different though, sitting across wrinkled charts and esoteric paragraphs of research from Greta. I didn’t want to disappoint her. “It wasn’t supposed to last this long,” I said. “And there’s a few reasons for keeping my profile low. Our dad was a pretty bad guy…”

            “Feels like that’s an understatement. Must be, considering the hard left turn you took to mention him.”

            “Good. I’m transparent as ever. Anyway, I used to walk around the house with a book all the time. There was a nice librarian at the little school we went to. She let me stay late and check out as many books as I could.”

            “Was it always fiction?”

            I sat up a bit, appreciating the question. “For the most part, though I liked the occasional book about the stars.”

            “Other worlds all the same.”

            “Suppose so. Anyway, I’d read by the metric ton. Had a hiding spot in the wall my brother built for me.”

            “I don’t get it.”

            “My dad would get drunk and start riding me. Not a man, you see. Men didn’t sit around reading stories with their heads in the clouds. I needed to learn something useful. Most of time I’d shrink away from his fists, but there were occasions where I stepped up. Sounds ridiculous. Taking black eyes in the name of some barely formed dream. Getting punched to be this certain thing. Getting punched, saying I’d make money at it. More money than he ever could in his life.”

            “So, this isn’t the sort of writing you want to do, basically.” The statement was free of any ornaments. Essential.

            “It’s not going to make sense. My brother Keane…”

            “I’ve seen him around. He’s up to no good. I like him.”

            “He thinks I’m hanging onto the past.”

            “You got your dreams, pal. We’re both around thirty and single. That’s too young and unencumbered to give up on your dreams. Provided…”

            “Go on.”

            “Provided you’re the same person that came into all this. My thinking, you probably are. Doubts are just doubts, sometimes. If that’s what’s going on.”

            I nodded and smiled in relief. If she was telling me what I wanted to hear, I didn’t care. “Thanks, Greta. You’re a hell of a lot cooler than most of the douchebags running around here.”

            She pursed her full lips and said, “Not a great compliment, actually.”

            “Funny. I meant it to be. Better with a pen in my hands.”

            “No kidding, ace.” She hardly finished. I wasn’t aware, but my brother had entered the room. He was with a very unlikely companion.

            It was my old boss. The now unemployed Nelson Andrews, looking unusually upright and resolved.

            I turned and immediately started to chastise Keane. “He can’t be in here. What were you thinking?”

            “You might want to give Country Club here a brief audience. He’s got some shit I estimate requires a hearing.”

            Greta was already saying hello to Nelson before I could think what to do. Of course, they knew each other. Trust funds and high society. All that crap.

            I gently asked her to step out. My next ask was more assertive; that she keep Nelson’s arrival to herself for the time being. She agreed. I believed her.

            My temper was redlining when she closed the door. “What?” I asked, leaning against the chalkboard.

            Keane was standing just behind Andrews and gave him a little bump with his chest. “Augusta Riser’s missing,” said Nelson.

            Keane put a hand on the blue blood’s shoulder. “Harry, by the things your buddy’s been telling me, I’m thinking she might be dead.”

Chapter 10: Solomon—Mea Culpa—Prodigal

            It was late Saturday night in Arizona when I knocked on Karl Connell’s hotel door. I knew he stayed up late. Later and later, the longer things dragged on. Every day survived on the campaign trail meant the next would be busier and more strenuous. Agent Vera Beros was standing sentinel outside his room. She unclasped her hands and used one to touch the bottom of my fingers. We hadn’t been together in a few nights. Not since hearing about Augusta Riser. It had been something of a mad scramble since then, and despite our best efforts, my brother and I had come up with nothing. She wasn’t technically missing because the nature of her work caused her to go off the grid at times, but Keane and his scuzzy network hadn’t come up with any solid leads. Between speeches and meetings and strategy sessions, my body was beginning to give way. I almost didn’t have time to care about the fact that my life could be in danger. Enough was enough.

            Hearing Connell’s unmistakable lumbering footsteps as he approached the door, I mouthed I’ll text you to Vera and faced directly forward, taking in her smell. It was so understated and still so feminine. She was a beautiful woman. Initially the gun and badge and the hardened bearing put me off a bit, but I was well and truly over that nonsense. That was her job. A part of her, yes, but not her.  

            “Hemingway! Come on in, you old-soul son of a bitch.” He was wearing an Ohio State sweatshirt and jeans. It was always a little off-putting to see him dressed like a regular person. He is a regular person. But he’s not a regular person. But in the end aren’t we all regular and irregular? Shut up, you moron. This is no time for internal monologues. He clapped his hands together and waved me through. “I’m having a drink,” he said cheerfully. “Do you want a drink? They’re doing this thing on the late-night deal. They’ve got some sketch, me in a wrestling match with Pavlick. Not college wrestling. The other kind. I guess it’s supposed to be pretty funny.”

            As he came up behind me and went to make himself a drink, I started to say what had been on my mind in some form or fashion since the day he first put his arm on my shoulder and walked me to the bus. Before I could get into my windup, however, he asked again, “How about a drink, soldier?”

            “Sure.” I was standing in the center of the common room of his penthouse suite, staring at the silk curtains covering the windows. The television was blasting commercials. Connell was talking rapidly as ice hit glass. Time was moving slower. Faster. I was couldn’t quite tell what the hell was going on.

            “Hemingway. Take your drink, son.”

            “Sorry, sir. I was somewhere else.”

            “Yeah,” he said, shaking his big square head and grinning after handing me a large glass of bourbon. “Imagine that’s one of those things with creative types.”

            “Maybe.”

            “I hope you didn’t come over here to act punch drunk. If I wanted lousy company, I’d call in one of the other stooges working for me.”

            “Sir, I have some things I need to say. Rather important things.”    

            “Yeah, everything’s important. Important is all we do these days, right Hemingway? Good in a way I suppose, but then again, when important becomes mundane, it all takes on a sort of Ecclesiastical color.”

            “Ecclesiastical?”

            “Talking about the actual book. They say King Solomon wrote it. They used to, anyway. Ask ten scholars they’ll tell you ten different things—no matter. Everything he did was important. The wisest, the wealthiest. All the big decisions. And in the end, he called it vanity.”

            “Chasing after the wind.”

            “That’s my boy,” Connell said, his big body overwhelming the hotel sofa. “Had a feeling you’d catch on.” He turned down the television sound as another commercial played, looking over at me to come and join him. “Saddle up. Chair by the coffee table’s not half bad. Little lumpy.”

            As I walked behind the beige filigreed sofa, Connell kept the questions coming. The man loved to beat a subject into the ground. “When you read it, did you do it with your nose up or down?”

            A month ago, the phrasing might’ve confused me. Now I was more or less up to speed. Connell certainly was a strange communicator in private, but there was method in it. Like he wanted to speak enigmatically enough so that only the people really listening could understand.

            “Nose up sometimes, down others.”

            “Ah. A repeat customer.”

            “Sure. It’s beautiful stuff.”

            “And true.”

            I didn’t answer, deciding to reservedly toast his statement and take a drink.

            “You know, Hemingway, I’m out there saying so much bullshit, I can’t remember a fraction.”

            “No one could.”

            “But the bits about the Bible, those are real. I’ve actually read it front to back more than twenty times.”

            I believed him, but I didn’t understand why he was wandering down this road. Maybe he was feeling guilty. Perhaps he just wanted to say something true and have someone accept it at face value. The more I got to know the man, the more interesting he became to me. But I was getting sidetracked from my task. “Sir, I can see you’re pretty fired up tonight. I’m needing to get a word in.”

            “Go ahead. Sorry for rattling on.”

            “I’m resigning.”

            “Is that so?”

            I took another drink, eyes pinned wide, stunned how relaxed his response was. Perhaps I was just that disposable. “And there’s something else. You’ve heard of Augusta Riser?”

            “Great rack. That one crooked tooth up front always bothered me though.”

            “She came to me when we were up in Wisconsin. Said she’d out me if I didn’t give her inside information about the campaign.”

            “This thing about your identity as a writer; it’s getting ridiculous. You can be more than one thing in one way, kid. Solomon, for instance. You’ll never outsell him, and he built a temple and ran a kingdom. You sure you don’t want to help me run this kingdom? I like you, old soul and all. Gives me a morsel of hope.”

            It was hard to know what to say next. Like he’d heard me talking over a bad connection and taken in just a bit here and there.

            “I’m done caring about the stupid writing thing. My identity is what it is.” I wasn’t even sure what that meant. “But sir, Augusta Riser is missing. We think someone might’ve gotten to her.”

            “Dead, you mean?” He turned off the television. I think I actually thanked God for the small mercy.

            “And maybe I’m in danger, too. I got this note a few days ago. We haven’t been able to track down who left it.”

            Connell reached over and took the little piece of paper, staring at the simple command as he returned to his position on the couch.

            “You should’ve come to me. Or Bridget. She likes you, Hemingway. Really likes you.”

            There was no way I was equipped to respond to the latter part, but I felt duty bound to tackle the former. Rising to my feet, I walked over to the window and let out a sigh, the clichéd way I’d seen in movies, just before the character begins his big speech. “She had me cornered, Mr. Connell. There was a girl I met. Turned out she was bad news. I won’t bore you, but she got close. Found out things about me, and in turn, you. Riser got ahold of the real story of the shooter, along with your…”

            “Finish your speech. The rhythm is right there, got to ride it. Isn’t that what you like saying to me?”

            I moved to open the curtains and have a look down at the desert and city lights.

            “Wouldn’t do that. They’ve got guns aimed at the room. If it’s not my face, could be they take a shot. I forget the rules.”

            I snatched my outstretched hand back and engaged my other to finish off the bourbon. “They knew about you and Bridget. Ms. Waterton. She said she’d keep it a secret if I gave her information. It was a tough spot. I was out of my depth. Whatever my intentions, in the end it probably boiled down to a case of covering my own ass.”

            “Thought to figure a way out of it, did you?”

            “Maybe. My brother helped with the girl. The one that first got to me. She won’t be a problem anymore.”          

            “Sounds ominous.”

            “Nothing like that, sir. I’m very sorry. The whole thing is completely embarrassing.”

            The candidate lifted himself with a grunt from the couch and stood close, looking into my eyes like he was checking for imperfections in a gemstone. “Quitting doesn’t seem like the best course, my boy. Look at you. Too young to make a home of defeat. It’s small and I don’t like it.”

            The words rang familiar, but it was hard to believe this was Connell’s response. A punch in the face, maybe, but not acceptance. If not for the big hand on my shoulder, I might’ve fallen back against the window in disbelief. “But we can’t work together, sir. I betrayed you.”

            He took the glass from my hand and did an about-face back to the bar. My hands were shaking while I remained in place, so I stuffed them into my pockets.

            “Pick that head up and take a seat,” he said, bringing me back a fresh drink. In his other hand he was carrying a large manila envelope.

            “What’s this?”

            “Open it up, youngster.”

            I set down my glass and tore the top off. It contained a packet of black and white photographs. After only a few seconds it became clear that the one constant face throughout was mine. “You knew about all this?”

            “Yep, we’ve had a guy following you. Hard to let one of my most important people go around without anyone watching his back. Especially after you almost got yourself killed on my behalf.”

            I came to a picture of my meeting with Augusta Riser. My face must’ve signaled my thoughts as I stared at it.

            “Let me ask you a question, and don’t try to be clever. Do you feel betrayed?”

            “Makes me a hypocrite to say it, but yeah. A little. More than a little.”

            “Okay, then. Let’s call the whole thing square and move on. Dragons that need slaying, Hemingway.”

            “Hold on. What about Ms. Riser? What about the note?”

            Connell went on to tell me that he was aware of everything, save Gail Frasier’s involvement in jamming me up.

            Before I could lodge any more questions, he launched into a complete explanation. Apparently, I wasn’t the first person Ms. Riser had drafted into service. Connell told me that he met with her and promised her an exclusive, but that she wouldn’t be writing a thing about my involvement in the campaign or any elicit love affairs. “I made it clear that her journalistic career would be over,” he said, setting his feet back on the coffee table. “Extortion and threats don’t make for a sterling reputation. Some of her methods might even be considered illegal. She didn’t seem partial to the idea of leaving it in the hands of the law.”

            “I don’t understand.”

            “That’s pretty clear, son. It’s simple. The woman can’t stand me. She wanted to be the one to take me down. That’s fine. To be expected. Half the journalists in the country hate my guts. I just expect an even playing field.”

            “So where is she?”

            “Africa, I think. Another bloody territorial dispute just sparked off. She left the day after our little sit down, if I’m not mistaken. Now that Ms. Riser’s got her exclusive interview coming in a few weeks, it freed her up. Everybody wins.”

            There was too much to process. I felt like I was five years old trying to learn college calculus halfway through the semester. “And the note?”

            “I’m sorry to say it, but that’s the one loose thread. My people haven’t been able to track down who dropped it or why. We’re working on it. In the meantime, the best thing for you to do is stay here with beefed-up protection.”

            “Considering the contents of the message, one might say you had the biggest motive to keep me from talking to Riser.”

            “Obviously. But I wouldn’t do anything that obvious. Besides, I’d already made my deal with her by the time you got the damn thing. No point.”

            I sat back in my chair, doing my best to sort out the numbers and figures. “So when Nelson came to me saying Augusta was missing, he was just trying to make you look bad. He was probably one of the first people she came to when she decided to bring you down.”

            “Now you’re thinking past your nose. The guy’s a disgruntled idiot. He got fired, if you recall.”

            “And if I quit or have it out with you, making accusations, he gets to have a little revenge.”

            “You took his job, if you recall.”

            “I’m going to finish this drink.”

            “That’s my boy.”

            “One last thing. You had that envelope collecting dust. Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner? I could’ve gone off the reservation. Quit. Whatever. I’ve been twisting in the wind.”

            “Well…”

            “You’ve had people watching me. Watching over me. However you like to characterize it.”

            He didn’t respond. I took it for acknowledgment.

            “The point was to make me come to you. Mea culpa mea culpa and all the rest.”

            He drank his glass of bourbon like a shot, and I followed in kind.

            “There’s a book,” he said, voice reeling from the whisky. “Read it in college. It was about this old man who was trying to figure out who to put in his will before he croaked. Your basic Shakespeare knockoff. Anyway, he chooses the son who screwed him over. He didn’t want to pass it off to some suck up. The crap son apologized, is the point. And he’d gone away. No idea that the old man was about to croak. Think it was called Bill White’s Last Will. Something like that.”

            “How much have you had to drink?”

            “Why?”

            “Because I’m fairly certain that’s not a book. More like a bad telling of the Prodigal Son. Maybe you need to read that Bible again.”

            “Maybe I do, Prodigal.”

            I stood up and walked past Connell as he jammed his thumb into the remote control. “Don’t you want to shake my hand, Hemingway?”

            “I’m tired.” It was true. And there were two other truths overwhelming all the others. Connell, if he was to be believed, saw me as the son he never had. As for myself, there was no denying it; a big piece of me still longed for a father. Oh God.

“Dragons, Hemingway!”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, sir.”

Chapter 11: Notes—Siblings—Remember

            Two weeks later, and only five candidates remained. The only one polling even with Connell was Senator Ryan Pavlick. I’d seen enough by now to know that defeating him was far from certain. The senator was younger and had more experience in government, which is to say, he had experience in government. Completing the package was a nice-looking family and a genial manner that seemed to play well with the common folk. “Do you like this guy?” The question was for Greta Fielding. She was riding with me and Keane in the back of an SUV, destined for a rally in West Virginia. The future of coal and renewable energy was the subject of the day. Another barn-burning topic to get the juices flowing.

            “I like him,” my brother yawned. “His speeches mainly. Maybe you guys should take a few pointers.”

            “He’s okay,” Greta said, poring over the draft I’d finished up earlier that morning. “You’ve got a lot of empty space here, Abbie.”

            “I know, but it’s like I said. Connell wants more room to wing it at the smaller events. It could be a good thing.”

            “She’s calling you Abbie,” Keane interjected. “That’s interesting.”

            The comment took me away from my book. “I shouldn’t even indulge you.”

            “You really shouldn’t,” Greta said, only slightly paying attention.

            “What? Can’t a guy make an observation? You guys are too tense. It’s just politics.”

            “What was your keen observation?” I asked, unable to return to my reading. “That she called me by my nickname?”

            “Fine. It’s not like it matters to me. Greta, no offense, but I was never going to ask you out.”

            As she circled something with a highlighter, she said, “Can you have them roll down a window? I’d like to throw myself from the car and end it all if I can’t be with you.”

            “Wow,” he said, sitting back in his bucket seat. “I think I do like you. Please discard my previous comments.”

            “Enough, Keano. She’s working.”

            “Greta, I don’t mean anything by it. Just trying to lighten the mood.”

            “Your special brand of charm has already been catalogued. I get it.”

            As I returned to my novel, he continued, “It’s just that none of this really matters.”

            “Brother, not today.”

            “Even though you agree with me? Hell, you taught me half the stuff I know. How this is all just a game. Not that learning was required. Like any person with a functioning brain doesn’t already understand it’s a big show.”

            Greta was to my left, sharing a bench seat. She removed her glasses and handed me back the speech, now adorned with her notes and suggestions. The dialogue Keane seemed intent to spur along didn’t seem to have the slightest effect on her. I imagined an overtaxed mother who had given up on trying to make the kids behave. I had to imagine, because our mother left before getting a chance to be overtaxed.

            I looked through the pages of the speech. Greta’s work was steady and solid. She always had a reason, and it was always about the work. It was why she’d become indispensable to me over the last few weeks.

            Keane was sitting across from us in a single bucket seat, facing the rear of the vehicle. Though a general pain in the ass, he always knew when to leave me to my job when it mattered. Greta and I went through the usual. You’re right about this. I’m not sure about that. No nonsense give and take.

            We worked quickly. In less than five minutes the speech was what it was and better than it had been. Greta leaned back and closed her eyes. It seemed like a good idea, but I was always too jittery before an event. Lack of experience, probably. I decided to return to my book.

            No such luck.

            “What’s that you’re reading?” Keane asked. “Any good?”

            “Come on, man.”

            “All right. I leave you be.”

            He looked hurt. Like a lot of tough guys full of bluster, my brother could turn strangely sensitive on a dime. He unfastened his seatbelt and crossed his arms, sinking into the leather. Painful as it was to admit, I felt for him. The estrangement from his wife. The fact that he hadn’t made much headway on the author of the note. Keane was a lot of things, but useless wasn’t one of them. I imagined that’s exactly how he was feeling at the moment. “The Seasons We Went Wild.”

            “Are you talking to me?” he asked.

            “You wanted to know.”

            He sat up with a new expression, less anemic. “Tay Thomas. Now that’s a guy who could write a frigging book.”

            I couldn’t help but smile when Greta opened her eyes in surprise.

            “Probably won’t believe it, but that’s one of my favorites,” Keane added with a smile of his own.”

            “Of course I believe it, dumbass. You suggested it. Remember?”

            “That was years ago.”

            “Well, I decided to finally heed your learned advice.”

            Now everyone was smiling. Greta seemed interested in the changing air between brothers.

            “What do you think?” he asked. “Still not fancy enough, I bet.”

            “Not at all. Have to say, it’s damn good. I’m getting a lot out of it. Actually, it’s helping my own thing.”

            “Get out of here.”

            I wasn’t lying. Though Thomas’ work was lurid and a little pulpy for my brand of writing, there was no denying the writer’s skill. I’d always been told that this story of a criminal’s botched robbery and his subsequent attempt to hide away with a sadistic lover was trash. I couldn’t agree. There was a certain masked sensitivity in the prose, underneath the horror and the violence. Hard to call it artful, admittedly, considering the last chapter included a rape and a decapitation. Probably why most critics never bothered to look hard at the dynamics between the characters. Maybe one needed a microscope, but it was there. Just like every other serious storyteller, Tay Thomas possessed skills I lacked and wanted to acquire.

            “Seriously, Keano. You may have had a point all these years. I should be more entertaining. Doesn’t mean I have to sell out.”

            He leaned forward, not bothering to address me. “Greta, what has happened to my brother?”

            She shrugged her delicate shoulders, still smiling.

            “Cards on the table, I’m not a big reader. That said, when the scholar here goes all the way high-and-mighty years back, I tell him fine. Do your thing. But don’t be so boring. People don’t want to work when they’re trying to escape work. Give them a good story.”

            “He did say that.”

            “I totally said that. And now, here we are. This is why you should always listen to your big brother.”

            Though the need to specify that I appreciated certain aspects of the book was pressing on my brain, I decided to let it go. The moment was enough. My brother was feeling vindicated. For the most part, he deserved to.

            “I think I might cry,” Greta said, casting a playful look my way. “This is the first time I’ve actually seen you two agreeing. Even a little bit. About anything.”

            Whatever else I might’ve been thinking or feeling, it was a nice moment. And then it was over. The driver of the SUV yelled HOLD ON! Our bodies shifted violently from side to side, playthings of physics, but it didn’t go on long. The last thing I remember before the car tumbled over was the sight of my Keane’s helpless body crashing against the door. He’d taken off his seatbelt, you see.

Chapter 12: Beeping—No—No

            There was no one in the hospital room when I woke up. That was probably the worst part. Definitely the worst part. There should be a damn law against it. A scary thing, hurting, somewhere without a clue how you arrived. The crash hadn’t come back to me. All I had for company was pain and lights that were too bright and screens with indiscernible numbers next to my bed. I called out, but even if a person had been standing in the room, they wouldn’t have heard. My mouth wasn’t moving the way it had every other day of my life. My throat was too dry to produce noise above a wretched wheeze.

            On and on for what seemed like forever, trying for clues, completely isolated and unable to move. The beeping from the machines was going to be the death of me. If I wasn’t dead already. The notion of Hell became real. Not just the notion. As the beeps carried on, quiet and torturously unyielding, Hell was no longer a notion. It was a place. I’d arrived. It sounds ridiculous, of course. I must be exaggerating.

            Not even a little. In fact, I lack the ability to describe the terror of resigned fate. There was a lot of crying, though my eyes were as desiccated as my throat. In Hell, you can’t even sob properly. I’m sure of it, even to this day. Sobbing is release, and release goes against the fundamental tenants of Hell.

            Maybe it’s becoming clear that I’m not exaggerating. Frankly, I don’t give a shit if you believe me.

            Even when I managed to slow down my breathing and convince myself that it wasn’t Hell, things didn’t improve for some time. I say some time, because no one could be bothered to put a simple clock in the room. My eyes were the only things that seemed to be working, but they were rendered useless by the award-winning starkness of my accommodations.

            I knew who I was, only because I could remember reading a story about a pretty young woman who awoke to similarly confusing isolation. She’d spent her whole life unencumbered, living with her father and siblings in some pastoral setting at the foot of the Alps. One day, while tending to the land, the idyllic was snatched away. The young woman had never seen violence. Didn’t understand the idea of alone. She’d never even gone past the village at the bottom of the hills, but she’d always had her family and neighbors and the sheep and cattle and dogs. Now, a prisoner of war, she was forced to learn life anew, confined and confused. I always hated that book. It scared the shit out of me, frankly. Oddly, the fact that I could recall reading it was the only thing that gave me hope.

            Finally, Greta Fielding walked in. She said hello, uncharacteristically formal and hushed. It was euphoric, an ushering back to the vale, but the sensation was fleeting as it was powerful. Her walk was noticeably hampered, no longer light and fluid. Something was causing her to limp, but I couldn’t collect sense or memory enough to understand. Nor could I figure out why she had a cast on her right wrist. The questions flowed from my brain to my tongue, but that’s as far as they traveled. What followed was only a grotesque mixture of gasping and wheezing. She struggled to the bathroom and filled a cup of water. I was new again, though my mouth was still ailing.   

            “Greta, thank God. Why are you hurt? What happened? How—why are you hurt?”

            “I’m fine.” Her head was low. I wanted to lift my head and find some understanding in her expression. Hell was coming back.

“Don’t try to move. You’re banged up pretty bad. They’ve got you on a lot of medication, so just take it easy.”

“Where?”

            “We’re in a small hospital in West Virginia. Do you remember anything?”

            “Nope. Nothing besides scary stories.”

            “We were in a car accident on the way to the rally. Most of the convoy crashed. Connell’s car went over, several of the others. We flipped. There was glass everywhere. People—”

            It was the first time I’d seen Greta cry. She was one of the most solid people I’d ever met. Unassailable to an almost strange degree. It made the display harder to watch.

            “Connell?”

            “He’s okay. They had to do surgery to take out some stuff from his leg, but he’ll be fine, all things considered.”

            “You?”

            She held up her cast. “Stupid. Just a sprain. And I bruised my leg when I slammed into you. Guess you don’t remember holding me?”

            Flashes were starting to pierce the fog, but nothing was whole. Time wasn’t cohesive. Alone in that hospital, insane with narcotics, I’m fairly sure I’d forgotten large chunks of the previous months. Even years. Hard to say exactly. I can’t remember what I couldn’t remember with anything resembling scientific exactitude. One part, though, stands out.

            “Harry,” she started, wrapping the bottom of my fat thumb with her little hand. “Keane didn’t survive the crash. He was thrown from the vehicle.”

            “My brother.”

            “I’m so sorry.”

            Yeah, that part I remember completely and wish I could forget. Greta was stifling sobs to no effect, about to rip my thumb from its socket. Visions of the moments leading up to the crash started taking more pronounced forms. A useless argument about something useless, so typical. A cessation of hostilities, also typical. And then the violence. Thrashing, screaming, and skidding. The end of the reel; Keane flying across the car, colliding with a door with enough force to crush his skull. That was all there was. I clenched my eyes to search for what happened next, but there was nothing. And never would be. I watched my brother’s death and then the dark swallowed all and held me in its mouth before spitting me back out in a sadistic, mockingly bright West Virginia hospital bed. I said predictable things to Greta. Things the heartsick say. Keane was only there because of me and my inability to be a stand-alone man. None of it would’ve happened if I hadn’t taken this stupid job. I should’ve said this or that, should’ve loved my brother like a real brother. He’d saved me. I’d gotten him killed.

            That sort of thing.

            Greta found a portion of my face not wrapped with gauze and kissed it gently. She didn’t argue or offer verbal consolation. I was grateful. There are certain moments when self-hatred is armor only stiffened by attempts to pierce it.

            “What did you tell him, Ms. Fielding?”

            I closed one eye and looked passed Greta. It was Beautiful Bridget. She rushed to the other side of the bed and grabbed my other hand. “It’s so awful, Harold.”

            “Are you okay?” I asked. She always rode with Connell, after all.

            “Nothing. A tiny scratch on my knee.”

            “Wow. That’s good.”

            “I just spoke to the doctor. They say you’re going to be fine. Bruised ribs, a concussion, some swelling in your shoulders and your legs, but no breaks.”

            “Basically I got a really bad ass-kicking.”

            “We’re going to get through this,” Bridget said. “All the work and sacrifice that we’ve all put in. It won’t be for nothing. You have my word on that, Harold.”

            It was too hard to look at Bridget as she said this and that about my dead brother and how terrible it was and how sorry it made her feel. She’d almost become ordinary, except her unflagging ability to be a cheerleader even at a time like this. Maybe it was love for Connell or belief in this thing or that. I didn’t care. “Is the candidate sorry?” I asked. “You said it won’t be for nothing. What’s that mean, exactly?”

The convulsive tone must’ve made my ire obvious enough. Greta squeezed my thumb a little harder. An obvious signal to ease off.

            “It means we’ll… carry on. And why wouldn’t he be sorry?”

            “You’ve talked to him, Bridget? What did he say, exactly?”

            “I haven’t spoken to him directly. He’s in recovery.”

            “Do me a favor. Go slip yourself back in there to recovery and find out exactly how sorry he is. Report back to me.”

            I was lashing out, grievances ascending. I’d already begun to hate myself for setting this trauma in motion. Connell was next on the hierarchy. The plan was to go all the way to the top, saints and angels and all the rest. A pathetic homage to Keane, though I imagined he’d get a kick out of the childishness of it.

            “I can’t go in,” Bridget whispered, cowed by my heat. “He won’t see anyone. Not even family.”

            “What the hell’s his problem?” I asked.

            “He’ll only talk to you.”

            I looked at Greta, then Bridget, then back at Greta. “What the shit?”

Chapter 13: Screw—Family—Shit

            “What the shit?” I asked. An enormous orderly wheeled my bed next to the candidate’s and left as gingerly as a three-hundred man had ever left anything. “Why’d they roll me in here, Karrl?” My throat was properly lubricated by now, though my mouth was still off kilter. Pronunciations weren’t quite right. I probably sounded something like a fully functioning weirdo.

            “You’ve never called me that before.”

            “Just say whatever it is you need to say, let me the hell out of here. Do they need everything to be so bright?”

            “It’s what I thought, then.” His talked slow and deep, but it wasn’t calm. It was more like resignation. “You’re going for good.”

            I didn’t answer. Screw him and his need to be right about everything every moment. Screw him and all the morons that believed in him. Screw the grandmothers who came out to the rallies with their visors and their disgusting hope for the future so their stupid grandkids might have better lives. Screw the grandkids for adding to the problem of mass-whatever, and screw them for being unwitting about it. Screw people for being too cowardly to have kids of their own and raise them right so we might have some decent people to cancel out the all the screwed and screwing. Screw the other party for being so feckless and arrogant. Screw the good for their goodness and the shitheels for their bullshit and the voters thinking they matter and the protestors the same. And screw the whole damn United States of America. Place where my acidic father reared me into the great big pile of shit toxic waste that I’d become.

            “I’m sorry about your brother.”

            The words served like a stop sign. If he hadn’t said them, I would’ve gone on and on screwing the rest of existence until the meds bested me and I slumped over into awkward, drooling, hospital sleep.

            “Are you that desperate to keep me around?” I asked.

            He picked himself up just enough to lean on his elbow and have a sad look at me. After some moans and a few deep breaths, he asked, “What are you getting at, Hemingway?”

            “I heard you didn’t want to talk to anyone until you’d seen me.”

            “So what?”

            “You’re one of the most important people in the county, Karl. There are people that need to talk to you. Federal agents, news organizations, local law enforcement. They told me you put off seeing your wife and kids? The hell’s the matter with you?”

            “You must be on more drugs than me, talking like that.”

            “I’m on all the drugs, Karl. All the drugs. There’s not a part of me that isn’t cut, battered or bruised, but they tell me everything’s going to be fine and dandy. No permanent damage. Funny, the way things are. How things work out.”

            “I’m sorry about your brother. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to know him.”

            “Ah, shit.” I turned my head all the way to the side and started crying harder than ever before or since, heaving, breathless. The tears made the bandages on my face heavy and warm until I wiped the wet against the hard hospital pillow, causing the cotton to break up into pieces. It was a stand-out moment of defeat in a day filled with nothing but losses, slings and arrows.

            A minute or two went by, though it was hard to tell. I’d almost forgotten about Connell by the time my deluge ran its course.

            “Going to say a few things,” I heard Connell say. “You can listen or not. After that, well, who knows.”

            I put a hand over my eyes, hoping the bandage would blunt the searing light of the fluorescents.

            “He was the only one that died, your brother Keane. That’s just bad luck, Hemingway. I want you to know that anyone he might’ve been providing for won’t be wanting. Ah. It’s just damn bad luck, but that’s not all there is to it.”

            “You’re not making a lot of sense, boss.” Calling him boss was an artifact of history. Connell was always something of a cipher; in learning how to untangle his thoughts, I’d gotten into the habit of calling him boss. It was quicker than Mr. Connell.

            He looked down at his right leg and said something under his breath. “Damn piece of metal went all the way through just about, shredded me good. Cut the femoral.”

            “Shouldn’t you be dead? That’s a pretty important artery.”

            “That’s what they said. Agent on the scene tied me off in time though. Felt like I was in a bathtub of my own blood. She saved me sure. The pretty one. Beros. On the spot. Seems to the have gods on her side.”

            “Or you do.”

            “You say that like I shouldn’t.” He stopped looking at his leg. “More specific, you say it like I shouldn’t and your brother should.”

            If he wasn’t in the bull’s eye, he was pretty damn close. “I’m messed up. It’s messed up.”

            “I know, kid.” He leaned back into his bed, content to look up at the acoustic tiles as he spoke. “You’re pissed and you’re going to be for a long time. Maybe forever. I had a brother.”

            “What?” Connell never talked about his family, but that didn’t mean I didn’t know about them. Nothing about a brother had ever come up.

            “He died when we were young. He was just a year older, but he looked out for me. We were, you know, buddies. That type of thing.”

            “Man. Was he sick?”

            “Yeah, but they could’ve maybe done something. The hospitals back then. The family tries to keep it under wraps. A chapter you don’t open.”

            “Okay. You realize we’re in a hospital, right?”

            “Exactly. I’m leaving the second we wrap this up. These places will kill you.”

            “Awesome. Hopefully you end up president. You’ve got the words of comfort thing down cold. The country will weather any storm.”

            “It was important that you be the first one I talk to. You lost someone, and that matters to me. Believe it or not. God knows you’ll bounce it around in your head for days before coming to a fragile conclusion.”

            “So, you needed to see me first? It’s still hard to understand.”

            “I’ve warmed to you kid. Maybe the drugs have you too dense for this talk, but hell, it’ll sink in eventually. For now, just know you were my priority.”

            “Is that supposed to make me feel grateful?” I might’ve sounded like an upset teenager, but it was more complicated than run of the mill frustration and petulance. In a way, it did make me feel better. Almost like I’d lost a brother but gained an uncle. Maybe even a father. Motives mattered, though, and pinning down Karl Connell on anything as abstract as motives was a feat to mean for me to undertake then and there.

            “I’m the one that’s grateful, Hemingway. Simple as that, from my end.”

            It wasn’t simple, and he was right. I’d be chewing on it for days. I decided to switch gears. “Now that you’ve gotten this out of the way, what’s next?”

            “Probably say hello to the wife and kids. Imagine they’re not over the moon about having to wait. Then it’s out of here. Some mending. The interview with Augusta Riser, I’d imagine. It won’t be easy, especially with this damn leg sending flashes of pain up my ass.”

            “Still gonna do the Riser interview, after all this?”

            “More importantly, I’m going to find out who tried to kill me today.”

            “Wait, what?”

            “This wasn’t an accident, kid.”

            “You have proof.”

            “I’ve been threatened enough, haven’t I?”

            “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean anything. Candidates get threats. That’s the way this thing works. You signed up for threats.”

            “Well, motorcades don’t just go tumbling out of the blue. I can’t think of a single time in history something like this just happened.”

            I tried to think of an example and realized I knew less than nothing about motorcades. “Shit.”

            “Exactly. If I’m right, your brother didn’t just die. He was murdered.”

            “Shit.”

Chapter 14: Dirt--

            It wasn’t the funeral Keane would’ve wanted. I’m pretty sure he didn’t want a funeral at all. He left no will, and he would’ve scoffed at the idea of a bunch of idiots standing around a hole in the ground. Nonetheless, there we were. The rain poured down on the coffin and my stupid shoes and the sagging brim of Keane’s hat. It was the new widow, me and Greta. She insisted. She stood next to me, helping me stay standing. My injuries were far from healed. Keane’s wife walked around the hole while men in overalls started shoveling dirt on my brother like delivering the mail or throwing trash into the back of a truck.

            I don’t know what I expected. It was their job. Since that day, I’ve tried to imagine a graceful way of burying someone. There isn’t one. There isn’t a graceful way to stand or pretend or not pretend. Everything you do at a funeral is complete bullshit and completely necessary, because if you’re any kind of person, all you want is to be genuine and that’s the hardest thing to be, even under the best of circumstances. Though it’s every day and inevitable, death isn’t normal. Better minds have touched on it but never really got deep down. Not but for the religious, and my religion was in moth balls.

            Sindy, Keane’s widow, took my arm as I held an umbrella over our slumped heads. “I hated his guts. The drinking and gambling. Never getting a real job.”

            “Everyone that knew him felt the same way,” I said. “But deep down we were all big fans.”

            “Damned infuriating,” she said, nodding in agreement. She was small but still pretty underneath the puffy eyes and mascara-stained cheeks. We’d known each other over half our lives but probably hadn’t spoken more than a dozen times. The result of me always studying my way up the ladder and Keane moving her around to whatever job he had cooked up. “There should be a thousand people here.”

            “But none of his friends are the types that show up to a place where their pictures might be taken.”

            “Exactly. Infuriating. I don’t know if I would’ve divorced him, Harold.”

            “Did you want to?”

            “God yes. Every single day. But there were those big little moments.”

            “I get it, trust me. Between beating me up on a daily occasion, he’d occasionally save my life with an act of naked altruism.” It was hard for me not to laugh at the contradiction. Sindy did laugh. It was clear I’d struck a resonant chord.

            “That’s our boy,” she said, wiping her red little nose with an overworked handkerchief. “He went on about you all the time,” she added, following the statement with a pause, as if she knew it would take a minute for me to believe what I’d heard.

            “Come on.”

            “Harry’s a scholar. Harry’s a doctor. My little brother’s teaching foreigners about their own damn writers. He particularly loved that. And he loved your book.”

            “Come on.”

            “Believe what you want. I read it myself.”

            “Oh boy.”

            “Figured you’d be used to criticism by now.”

            “It’s the never-healing wound, Sindy.”

            “Well, don’t mind me. I’m just a lonely old widow. You’re playing ball in the majors.”

            There was a lot behind her words. She was holding a great deal of resentment toward me for getting Keane involved in the campaign in the first place. Fair enough. She was also still tingling from the shock and suffering under the thought that there was a huge new hole in her life, annoying and irascible as the hole might’ve been. It seemed appropriate to step around whatever contempt there might be for me and try to say something helpful. I had every intention of helping her financially. Emotionally. All the things I’d never cared enough to do……….